Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Saying Good-bye, Saying Hello-Oh!

I can't believe it is the last day of June. I have to say good bye to (what should have been) the first month of summer (but really wasn't until 3 days ago).

I also had to say good bye to a good friend. We met 3 years ago when I first moved to Germany. It amazes me to think that we have known each other for only 3 short years. It feels like a lot longer.

Saying good bye is a standard exercise when you are involved with expats or are one yourself.

It's hard. Every. Single. Time.

Some people get used to it. In fact, they get good at it.

Like taking pills. Or getting a shot. Or eating spinach.

Saying good bye is part of connecting with someone. Eventually, at some point in the interaction you have to part. (Siamese twins don't count.)

The parting can be the hours you are asleep, the days until the next coffee, or the weeks, months, or years until you meet again.

Some good byes are permanent, others are temporary. Some are easily managed and others are heart wrenching.


(Photo by Maja Lampe)

But good byes are important, just like taking your vitamins, getting vaccinated - and eating your spinach.

I realized this as I hugged my friend and said, "It's not good bye, because I'll see you soon."

Coping Mechanisms

Yup, you guessed it - saying I'd see her soon did not mean I had secretly planned a trip to the States. It was my emotional/mental way of coping with the idea that I couldn't pick up the phone and ask her directions.

It worked for about 30 seconds. When we hugged I burst into tears. Which is another coping mechanism. A very healthy one, in fact.

Crying is a great release. A release of toxins in your body, stress, and it makes you take a breath when you feel like you are suffocating from sadness.

Another great coping mechanism for long good byes is to plan. Yup, actually set a date when you will talk or write or see each other. This is where social media is great. Facebook is helping thousands (millions!) of people to cope with good byes.


(Photo by Stephen Eastop)

Rituals

Good byes are not only for people, but when you leave a place. Moving house or changing your job or country of residence are all part of 'leaving'. This is a kind of good bye that people often forget about, but it is just as significant.

Having closure, being able to mentally and emotionally separate from a place can almost be harder than with a person. I can see my old friends and talk to them on the telephone, but I don't have such easy access to the rose garden in Portland or the Cook Inlet of Alaska.

The only way I have figured out to cope with this kind of good bye is with a ritual. Visiting a place 'one last time' and saying good bye, taking a photo of it at that particular moment, is one way. Others have told me they had a party and really got crazy (interpret freely here).

And others lit a candle, said thank you to the place, to its spirit, and took a deep breath. Done.


(Photo by Dipu Das)

Room for Hello-OH!

With all the sadness I have felt in saying good bye to yet another friend, I had an amazing realization too. My friend has not left my circle, she has just gotten in her car and driven out of the parking lot.

Which leaves me with an open spot. Not one I will actively try to fill. But now there's space.

An opening to be filled by... a new friend, perhaps.

Take a look at your good byes and see if you can find instead of emptiness - an opening.

An invitation, perhaps, to someone, something, some place. Full of potential. Full of surprise.



On the other side of good bye - is always hello.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

Contrast - THAT'S What I'm Talkin' 'Bout

Wow.

Have you ever had the feeling that people are copying you, but you know they couldn't be because you know what you're doing is just a drop-in-the-universal-bucket?


(photo by Jolka Igolka)

And then you realize that if they aren't copying you, then it must mean that you have tapped into some worldwide growing phenomenon, all on your own?!

Wow. Yeah, that's what I said at the beginning.

So, what's this all about? you might be asking... See, I get a regular email from a very insightful guy, Andy Dooley. Once a week he sends me fun art and even funner messages. This week the message was a very corny, but insightful video .

It is almost 7 minutes of wackiness. It made me laugh out loud. Something I don't do nearly enough.

But when I was done I had THAT moment. Yeah, the one I mentioned at the beginning of this post. He was talking about the importance of having a dark side, a challenge, an issue... in one's life.

(Artyom Korotkov)

He confirmed that it is a gift. Isn't that what I have been writing about?!

My favorite quote is, 'The only people on the planet who do not have problems are dead.' Yup, that about sums it up.

I would like to support and point to Andy's good work, because when you listen closely, the world is trying to tell you something.

We don't have problems - we have opportunities to learn, to grow, to discover new parts of ourselves.

(Alfonso Diaz)

So, if you'll excuse me, I have some research to do. I am going to go figure out how to mine my problems... there's sure to be some very gems in there!

Friday, June 4, 2010

When Doing Nothing IS Doing Something

I've been working with a client who is truly amazing. (Well, actually, I haven't met a client who isn't.) She is so sharp and deeply insightful. And she is very good at keeping herself so busy that she doesn't have to deal with the feelings that her deep insight brings up.

But, she took a vacation. And instead of letting go, she is struggling with not being productive.

Ever have those thoughts while you were on a holiday? "I should be getting in touch with that client." or "I really need to double check my email to see if..." It can make the idea of relaxing impossible!



It is a modern phenomenon that we all know. Unfortunately.

With our lives so intertwined with what we do, in turn making WHAT we do WHO we are, then boundaries disappear and we start struggling with the issue of work/life balance.

Don't get me wrong - I think it is incredibly powerful to be able to do something (work) that you feel passionate and deeply involved in, but it can easily turn into a lopsided affair. One where work is pitted against family, health, and partnership.

I personally think it happens when we forget to do nothing. (Let me put it another way that sounds more positive.) I mean, when we decide to just BE.

Be still. Be quiet. Be centered. Be focused. Be here.



Of course, BEING, can just take a moment, and then things in life balance out. But sometimes things are so off, that it takes more time just BEING, to get things balanced again.


"We collect data, things, people, ideas, profound experiences, never penetrating any of them ... But there are other times. There are times when we stop. We sit still. We lose ourselves in a pile of leaves or its memory. We listen and breezes from a whole other world begin to whisper."

- James Carroll





When 1 + 1 = 3

Yes, as promised, I am actually linking this back to the concept of more-than-the-sum-of-its parts theory. It is quite simple, really.

When you do nothing (1) but sit and listen to the birds (1) or play with your children (1) or read a good book (1), those deep issues, thoughts, challenges, are relegated to another part of the brain. More importantly, so is the stress (along with the toxins).

The result is a more clear, focused, balanced approach to whatever task was making the space between your eyes pinched and tight. Possibilities open up, or blocks fall away.

(Photo by Dimitri Castrique.)

And if they don't, then perhaps you haven't spent enough time doing "nothing".