Be Like a Pencil

Why Trees Are Not Lost

2011-04-09T00:47:00.000-07:00

I had an epiphany the other day. (It's been a long time coming.)

A lot of us wake up in the morning, go about our usual routine, go to work our usual route, and approach our tasks with the usual resignation. And usually, the quiet message playing in the background is "Boring, bored, ho-hum, been there - done that, boring..."

The funny thing is, we don't seem to notice it enough to DO anything about it. Well, some become weekend warriors, but most of us just put one foot in front of the other.

So by now you are wondering, what does this all have to do with trees?!

Isabelle Smith

My insight came from the coming together of several comments that all have the same root.

"Just make sure you look where you want to go as you drive, because the car will follow your line of sight. If you are looking at the trees, that is where you'll end up."
"Don't worry about skiing into a tree. Just look where you want to go (between them) and that's where your body will take you."
"You are not lost, the trees know where you are."

I know my readers are intelligent and probably didn't need the italics to point out the message.

Except perhaps, for the last comment. That drove the nail home for me.

We are all heading some place - many of us realize we have a choice in the matter. If not the final destination, then for sure how we will get there.

Pawel Kryj

But sometimes we feel really lost. Directionless. All we see are the obstacles. Perhaps - because that is what we are looking for. Most of us are so afraid of failing that the hurdles are what we look for in our path. Funny how they appear exactly where we thought they would!

What if - and this was my A-ha! moment - we focused on where we wanted to go - between the obstacles?

Marjorie Manicke

What if we focus on exactly what we want in a job, in a home, in a client, in ourselves. Although visioning helps, I am talking getting really really detailed - FULL descriptions. Size, color, gender, location, commute time, responsibilities, to the last detail.

And then we make a list of things we could do to prepare ourselves to get there and the steps it would take to get there.

And then we put it on a time line. Be as specific with times and dates as you can. Next Monday, before dinner. Thursday night by 5 pm. By next August 1st.

Then you tell someone. Your partner, your best friend, your coach, your sibling, your mom or dad. Someone you trust to check on you, encourage you, and hold you accountable.

Thomas Boulvin

I bet you a year's worth of car washes (who doesn't want a clean car?) that you will reach your goal without hitting any trees... I mean obstacles.

You will no longer see the obstacles, and trees will become a source of energy, comfort, shade, and wisdom. They aren't lost, they are where they should be. And you will be too.

Connecting Through Difference is A lot Like Doing Your Laundry

2010-11-25T08:13:00.000-08:00

As I am a stranger in a strange land (an American in Germany), I tend to meet a lot of others like me. I don't seek them out, we find each other. Like a good book.

Or it could be that my line of work (transition coaching) brings them to me.

I work with folks who are unsure how to be successful in this new place. They don't know the unwritten rules, and are either afraid of making mistakes or have already made some and are frustrated with the results.

After I get done explaining where the reactions come from and what drives the behavior, I try to make suggestions on how to cope and adapt to this new adventure. Sometimes I hear the refrain, "I just can't change who I am so that they like me!"

No, no, you most certainly don't. Be true to who you are, but try to close the gap by behaving in a way that will get you what you want. Smile, learn the language (especially the pleases and thank yous), and learn to laugh at yourself.

For some, that last one is a TALL order.

And change is hard. But we strangers, are actually the guests, so it is up to us to put forth a large share of the effort to get along here.

A wise woman once said to me,

"Do not try to change who you are, just open the door and invite others to join you."

STEP 1:

First, it is important to know who you are. What is important to you? What is special about you? Appreciate your uniqueness. Own your gifts.

Now I bet you are wondering, "Ok, I know all that, but what door is she talking about?!"

STEP 2:

That door would be your mind - your heart. When you become open in your mind, you judge less, you are less fearful, and more curious. A smile is a great way to open a door.

In Germany, making direct eye contact with a smile is another way to open a door. Though you may have to do it consistently for a month before you break through someone's rough exterior, your reward may be incredible warmth and loyalty for life!

STEP 3:

Ok, you've figured out who you are, you can manage a smile, so how do you get past that barrier that is set up by difference? Their fear of you, or your fear of THEM?

Be curious. Ask questions. Cultivate a desire to know, understand, and engage with the unknown. The unknown could be a person, a place, an event. It could be a verb or a noun.

Take courage. You do not have to change, and neither do they. You just have to find a place you are both comfortable. Repeat steps 1 through 3.

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

I’m Alive - Da*%!$-it!

2010-10-10T06:51:00.000-07:00

I grew up in a place that reminded me regularly that I was a small part of a very gigantic picture. When the earth moves underneath your feet and takes everything attached with it (floors, cabinets, large trees) you feel powerless.

First it scares the crap out of you. Then you have a rushing sense of deep and overflowing gratitude. I’m alive!

(Manu Mohan)

I imagine it is the same with a flood, tornado, hurricane, volcanic eruption or any other major natural disaster. Any time nature exhibits its power, we are reminded of our status as guest, not host.

Funny how I never truly appreciated having to struggle with nature until now. Since living in Munich, where there seem to be very few struggles with nature (I won’t count the infrequent hailstorms or fruit flies) - I've been missing something.

At first it was a kind of lull - then complacency. Things are just dull.

There is no physical reminder to dislodge old (bad) habits, hard old shells that cover my brain and affect how I think. Nothing to wipe away ruts that I get stuck in. Nothing that forces me to feel alive!

Sad to think I have to be forced to do that. It is too easy to get stuck in the Mundane and Mediocre.

(saiuri)

The other thing that natural disasters seem to do is bring people together. I remember a forest fire behind our house two years ago. There were helicopters dumping water from the nearby pond, and neighbors all around came out to look.

Bikers stopped to look and I got to meet neighbors that I had been living next to for more than a year – and had never seen before. There was concern for the folks living next to the forest and a few of us helped them spray their roof and move furniture. Luckily it came to nothing, and I have not seen some of those people since.

For a moment there was a feeling of caring, coming together, connection. People felt necessary, lucky.

Perhaps that is the biggest reminder – not to take things for granted. And as much as I dislike hearing about the struggles or those who survive a natural disaster, I do envy their wake-up call.

Jumping Fences

2010-10-01T06:30:00.000-07:00

I was recently walking in the rain through a park with a friend. I forget what we were talking about, probably just unloading, and she said something that stuck with me.

‘I hate it when others chose my boundaries.’

I asked her what she meant and she explained that she did not like it when her husband, or anyone else, told her what the standard shoulds and shouldn’ts are and how they Must Be Maintained.

(Pedro Rama)

It was not that she did not believe in a total lack of boundaries or rules, but there seemed to be so many rules that had Served Their Purpose and were still being held on to, for no apparent reason.

We agreed that when we get to choose which boundaries we maintain there is a greater sense of focus and power. When society decides, based on tradition or obligation, our energy gets sapped and our attitude heads south too.

We get angry, resentful, frustrated. Am I hitting anyone’s “YES!” button?

Surprisingly enough, a lot of this rule following (and I am not talking about things set up to keep us safe, like stopping at red, or not stealing), is self-imposed.

(cubillas)

We often set up fences based on an assumption that THAT is what we are supposed to be doing. I am of working age, I have my degree in marketing, that is what I am supposed to do the rest of my life. Or, I am the eldest, it is my job to be taking care of my aging parents. Or, I am the mom and wife, I should be getting all the laundry done and feeding the dog because no one else will do it if I don’t.

But you see, there is always a choice. There is always a way to redefine something.

The marketing degree, for example. So what if you wake up one day and realize you did it because that’s what made your parents happy? Ask yourself what makes you happy. Is it the people part, the research part, or the creative problem solving part? Those can be found in LOTS of other careers.

And if you are the eldest, all that means is you should continue to have the power and intelligence to convince younger siblings to contribute to your parents’ care. Either with money, or time, or other ideas.

Ultimately, if you are a working mother and have a partner or children over 6 years of age, you have plenty of helpers. Feeding the dog is a shared responsibility and getting the laundry done can be a community effort. (Clean underwear is a powerful motivator.)

Any of this ring a bell? Do you have any boundaries that make you balk? Fences that need to be jumped over? Take a good look, I bet you’ll discover some that no longer serve a purpose, and need to be readjusted.

Realizing you have choices often does that.

Jump - First Photo!

2010-08-30T05:15:00.001-07:00

Here's the first of what I hope will be several submissions!

Doesn't it want to make you jump too?

Come on people... let's see you JUMP for joy!

It shouldn't be just for children...

Jump for Joy!

2010-08-17T06:37:00.000-07:00

Yup. Literally. I want everyone to show me their BEST jump for joy. I want you to feeeeel it.

Believe it. Be it.

Ball up your fists. Bend your elbows into your gut as you bend down to spring. Then push up so hard that you jump up and explode!

Or, you could try running and jumping for joy.

Why?

Oh, that's a good question.

Well, let's think of some rationally good reasons:

It will get your blood flowing and make your cheeks pink which will make you look healthy.
It will warm up cold hands and feet.
It will make you laugh which increases the secretion of the hormone endorphins, which will help you stay healthy.

Now for some irrational reasons:

Because we can.
Because it's fun.
Because it's not sitting like a lump in a chair.

That's enough of the reasons. Back to jumping for joy.

I hit upon this because I was looking for a photo of me for something and found this:

It is one of many that friends who came to visit me where crazy enough to do with my daughter. To this day, when I look at that photo I laugh. I glow. It makes me so happy.

And frankly, I don't think there is enough of that going around.

If you're feeling brave, send me a photo of your jump for joy. It could inspire someone else...

Leave a Trail

2010-07-29T05:40:00.000-07:00

Ever heard of "desire lines"?

They aren't found on your face - or any where else on your body.

They are the paths that cross a wide lawn or snake behind a large building. They are the paths that lead us to where we want to go without following the prescribed concrete path.

They are created by a need - a desire - to get somewhere faster, which often means not following the path laid out for you.

(Photo by Claire Gaillard)

Paths in Life

Have you ever looked up from your life and thought (not necessarily for the better) "What am I doing here?!"

Senario 1: You went to school, got degrees, built a life - and then - you wake up.

Senario 2: You flounder, wander, float, do a little of this and a little of that...and you end up - really - nowhere.

Actually, I imagine there are many senarios, many different paths, to the ultimate question. W.A.I.D.H. Often replaced or followed by, "What was I thinking?!"

In my experience as a coach, people end up coming to me when they realize that they don't want to walk on the sidewalk anymore. They are looking longingly at those little jagged paths that are behind the benches, among the trees, venturing into wide open spaces...

(See the path on the faaaar left of this photo? Desire line!)

It takes a lot of courage to step off the safe path, to not follow the prescription for happiness and success. Of course, this is readily described in hundreds of 'self-help' books in a variety of languages.

But no (good) coach will give you a prescription to happiness, because the real path is the one you discover on your own.

But what if - what if - we stop a moment and really look at where we want to go. Create our own idea of what success and happiness is by looking at our own passions and truths.

It can be hard not to just follow along all the easy trails laid out for us. Look, they're clean, safe, direct (sort of), orderly, sure. If we follow these paths they will get us to a place for certain.

But what about the journey? New discoveries? New Adventures? Curiosity?

Explorers

We don't all need to rush out and find a new route to the north pole, or discover a new way to make toast. But what if we stepped off the path every now and then? What would we find?

A mud puddle? A dead end? A dark hole? It's possible.

An insight? An epiphany? A brilliant idea? It's possible.

That's just it - it's all possible!

But only if you step off the prescribed path every now and then. Get your heart rate up, heighten your senses.

In fact, why don't we leave trails for others to follow?!

Go ahead, step off the path. I dare you.

You might be surprised that someone is standing right next to you.

Saying Good-bye, Saying Hello-Oh!

2010-06-30T08:35:00.001-07:00

I can't believe it is the last day of June. I have to say good bye to (what should have been) the first month of summer (but really wasn't until 3 days ago).

I also had to say good bye to a good friend. We met 3 years ago when I first moved to Germany. It amazes me to think that we have known each other for only 3 short years. It feels like a lot longer.

Saying good bye is a standard exercise when you are involved with expats or are one yourself.

It's hard. Every. Single. Time.

Some people get used to it. In fact, they get good at it.

Like taking pills. Or getting a shot. Or eating spinach.

Saying good bye is part of connecting with someone. Eventually, at some point in the interaction you have to part. (Siamese twins don't count.)

The parting can be the hours you are asleep, the days until the next coffee, or the weeks, months, or years until you meet again.

Some good byes are permanent, others are temporary. Some are easily managed and others are heart wrenching.

(Photo by Maja Lampe)

But good byes are important, just like taking your vitamins, getting vaccinated - and eating your spinach.

I realized this as I hugged my friend and said, "It's not good bye, because I'll see you soon."

Coping Mechanisms

Yup, you guessed it - saying I'd see her soon did not mean I had secretly planned a trip to the States. It was my emotional/mental way of coping with the idea that I couldn't pick up the phone and ask her directions.

It worked for about 30 seconds. When we hugged I burst into tears. Which is another coping mechanism. A very healthy one, in fact.

Crying is a great release. A release of toxins in your body, stress, and it makes you take a breath when you feel like you are suffocating from sadness.

Another great coping mechanism for long good byes is to plan. Yup, actually set a date when you will talk or write or see each other. This is where social media is great. Facebook is helping thousands (millions!) of people to cope with good byes.

(Photo by Stephen Eastop)

Rituals

Good byes are not only for people, but when you leave a place. Moving house or changing your job or country of residence are all part of 'leaving'. This is a kind of good bye that people often forget about, but it is just as significant.

Having closure, being able to mentally and emotionally separate from a place can almost be harder than with a person. I can see my old friends and talk to them on the telephone, but I don't have such easy access to the rose garden in Portland or the Cook Inlet of Alaska.

The only way I have figured out to cope with this kind of good bye is with a ritual. Visiting a place 'one last time' and saying good bye, taking a photo of it at that particular moment, is one way. Others have told me they had a party and really got crazy (interpret freely here).

And others lit a candle, said thank you to the place, to its spirit, and took a deep breath. Done.

(Photo by Dipu Das)

Room for Hello-OH!

With all the sadness I have felt in saying good bye to yet another friend, I had an amazing realization too. My friend has not left my circle, she has just gotten in her car and driven out of the parking lot.

Which leaves me with an open spot. Not one I will actively try to fill. But now there's space.

An opening to be filled by... a new friend, perhaps.

Take a look at your good byes and see if you can find instead of emptiness - an opening.

An invitation, perhaps, to someone, something, some place. Full of potential. Full of surprise.

On the other side of good bye - is always hello.

Contrast - THAT'S What I'm Talkin' 'Bout

2010-06-15T05:16:00.000-07:00

Wow.

Have you ever had the feeling that people are copying you, but you know they couldn't be because you know what you're doing is just a drop-in-the-universal-bucket?

(photo by Jolka Igolka)

And then you realize that if they aren't copying you, then it must mean that you have tapped into some worldwide growing phenomenon, all on your own?!

Wow. Yeah, that's what I said at the beginning.

So, what's this all about? you might be asking... See, I get a regular email from a very insightful guy, Andy Dooley. Once a week he sends me fun art and even funner messages. This week the message was a very corny, but insightful video .

It is almost 7 minutes of wackiness. It made me laugh out loud. Something I don't do nearly enough.

But when I was done I had THAT moment. Yeah, the one I mentioned at the beginning of this post. He was talking about the importance of having a dark side, a challenge, an issue... in one's life.

(Artyom Korotkov)

He confirmed that it is a gift. Isn't that what I have been writing about?!

My favorite quote is, 'The only people on the planet who do not have problems are dead.' Yup, that about sums it up.

I would like to support and point to Andy's good work, because when you listen closely, the world is trying to tell you something.

We don't have problems - we have opportunities to learn, to grow, to discover new parts of ourselves.

(Alfonso Diaz)

So, if you'll excuse me, I have some research to do. I am going to go figure out how to mine my problems... there's sure to be some very gems in there!

When Doing Nothing IS Doing Something

2010-06-04T00:23:00.000-07:00

I've been working with a client who is truly amazing. (Well, actually, I haven't met a client who isn't.) She is so sharp and deeply insightful. And she is very good at keeping herself so busy that she doesn't have to deal with the feelings that her deep insight brings up.

But, she took a vacation. And instead of letting go, she is struggling with not being productive.

Ever have those thoughts while you were on a holiday? "I should be getting in touch with that client." or "I really need to double check my email to see if..." It can make the idea of relaxing impossible!

It is a modern phenomenon that we all know. Unfortunately.

With our lives so intertwined with what we do, in turn making WHAT we do WHO we are, then boundaries disappear and we start struggling with the issue of work/life balance.

Don't get me wrong - I think it is incredibly powerful to be able to do something (work) that you feel passionate and deeply involved in, but it can easily turn into a lopsided affair. One where work is pitted against family, health, and partnership.

I personally think it happens when we forget to do nothing. (Let me put it another way that sounds more positive.) I mean, when we decide to just BE.

Be still. Be quiet. Be centered. Be focused. Be here.

Of course, BEING, can just take a moment, and then things in life balance out. But sometimes things are so off, that it takes more time just BEING, to get things balanced again.

"We collect data, things, people, ideas, profound experiences, never penetrating any of them ... But there are other times. There are times when we stop. We sit still. We lose ourselves in a pile of leaves or its memory. We listen and breezes from a whole other world begin to whisper."

- James Carroll

When 1 + 1 = 3

Yes, as promised, I am actually linking this back to the concept of more-than-the-sum-of-its parts theory. It is quite simple, really.

When you do nothing (1) but sit and listen to the birds (1) or play with your children (1) or read a good book (1), those deep issues, thoughts, challenges, are relegated to another part of the brain. More importantly, so is the stress (along with the toxins).

The result is a more clear, focused, balanced approach to whatever task was making the space between your eyes pinched and tight. Possibilities open up, or blocks fall away.

(Photo by Dimitri Castrique.)

And if they don't, then perhaps you haven't spent enough time doing "nothing".

When Something is More Than You Realize

2010-05-11T01:00:00.000-07:00

I recently had a friend, who cares about things being clear and correct, pointed out that in my blog title I say, "1 + 1 (can) = 3" that, in fact, one plus one will NEVER equal three.

It is impossible.

Luckily, I have a belief in the greater-than-the-sum-of-it's-parts theory. But I thought I should provide some examples of what I mean. So, over the next few posts, I will be telling stories, submitting books, music, and movie links, and in general trying to explain how it IS POSSIBLE.

First Example

As I live in a country that is not my own, in order to function and truly live here, I have had to learn a new language. This is one of the best examples I have of where 1 + 1 = 3.

In learning German (1) I was able to communicate (1) and therefore function better and happier in my new environment. Everyone knows that is the result. If one can communicate, one can live a better life. 1 + 1 = 2

However, I also realize, after reading the book, 'Keep Your Brain Alive' by Lawrence Katz and Manning Rubin, that learning a new language, even if you don't need it for anything, will give your brain the food and firing of neural synapses. Our brains crave new input and challenge. They are made to create new paths and develop connections with other information.

(image by Lars Sundstrom)

So, guess what? Learn a new language (1) communicate ( +1) connect (+1) keep your brain healthy (+1). See, that equals a WHOLE lot more than 3!

I imagine learning to speak another language offers even more benefits than that, but for my first example of HOW 1 + 1 CAN = 3, I will stop here.

More to come. What can you think of?

Seek Out Intersections

2010-05-04T04:12:00.000-07:00

I recently received an email from a friend and perhaps one of my first "clients" (although I put the quotes around the word because she was actually a guinea pig for my own personal explorations).

Her email gave me a wonderful insight, one I see working on lots of people's lives, not just my own.

She was a classic case of:

- Quit her job to move with her husband abroad.

- Arrives and finds she has to redefine her value, find something else to do.

- She is too young to be a housewife and has no kids.

- She has a great education, but realized she hated her current profession.

- Now What?!

Luckily, she met me. :)

E. (I will call her), was really smart and full of good ideas. She did NOT want to just sit in cafes all day or go play bridge, thank you very much. She wanted to DO SOMETHING - contribute.

Through various activities and finding the support of other women like herself, E. discovered that she loved working with horticulture. She studied engineering, which made her parents happy, but her passion was among living things, not machinery and systems.

Interestingly enough, just shortly after announcing she was going back to school to get a further degree, E. and her husband got transfered back home. (I swear, the Universe is listening...) Once there, she found a great program and got to work.

Then I got the email.

I started a new job last Thursday. My first real one in 3 years. I'm back in the energy industry, but in a very different place. It's a small company, with big ambitions, and big expectations (of me). I'm scared and inspired and excited... and having so much fun, Your comments about courage sum up how I feel about the future. Thank you....

My conclusion:

When you are confused about what to do next, especially if you are in the process of "re-making" yourself, look for intersections in your life. Look for a place where your past knowledge can be combined with your true passion, or your new passion.

(Photo by Benjamin Earwicker)

You love dogs, but have a degree in business. You feel out of shape and want to get healthy = look into starting your own dog walking or training business!

OR.....You love baking for any event, and your arts degree is collecting dust = what about creating amazing cupcakes or wedding cakes for resale at a local cafe?

I KNOW it isn't always that clear. But I bet you - if you looked closely at your current knowledge and got clear about what you LOVE = you could find a way to combine them.

This is where 1 + 1 really can equal 3.

Anyone else? I'm going to ponder more intersections in my life over a cupcake!

Courage - It's WHO You Are

2010-04-16T07:19:00.000-07:00

So, I took a mental health day this week earlier than I normally do. Not because I was having a bad week. I planned it.

It was the last day that "The Blind Side" was playing at the local English theater, and I had to see this movie in the original.

It was a perfect day to do it too - rainy. And apparently it was a perfect day for 4 other women too. Four women that I happen to know, in this city of half a million people, only 1 of which I invited to join me. (This is when great minds think a like.)

But this post is not about the movie - not really.

Actually, I have a question for you. What do a Victorian white girl of middle-class standing who falls through a hole in the ground, and a modern day African-American boy from poverty who rises to play in the NFL, have in common?

Courage. (ˈkər-ij, ˈkə-rij\ - mental or moral strength to venture, persevere, and withstand danger, fear, or difficulty)

I realize, especially if you don't know the story of Alice in Wonderland, or haven't seen either movie, that this will be a very large leap, but don't worry. I will try to bring you with me.

In both stories, there is a HERO, someone who is totally out of their element, who must face some incredible odds, to win. And by 'win', I mean to have the LIFE they want.

Yes, that sounds pretty formulaic, but they also had to answer the question 'Who Am I' ?

And THAT was the key for both of them to manifest, persevere, and withstand 'danger, fear, AND difficulty'!

It sounds so simple. But we tend to lump answers into categories that show who we are in relation to others (sister, daughter, husband, cousin) or our profession (teacher, nurse, business consultant) or our nationality or ethnicity.

But if we dig deeper, go more towards the core of who we are - the answers get more complex and closer to the TRUTH of WHO we are.

Try this exercise:

Write, non-stop, for 3 minutes on the question 'Who Am I'? Go back and read what you wrote. Circle words that jump out at you.
Then, write for another 3 minutes on the SAME question, but do not use any of the same words as you used in the first attempt. Repeat looking forward words.
One more time, but only for 2 minutes, write - you guessed it - about 'Who am I?' really.

What did you find? Now, imagine that you can be this person fully and completely. You might find that to do this you need to muster your courage.

Take heart. It doesn't happen overnight. We have to practice being who we are. Yup. Once we figure it out, we need to figure out how to be ourselves every day.

(Photo by Sanja Gjenero)

But when we do - WHOA - watch out world!

(Tip: if you need inspiration, watch 'The Blind Side' or 'Alice in Wonderland'.)

Finding Your Shadow - Shining Your Light

2010-04-10T12:43:00.000-07:00

I know it is a funny sounding title, but the more I thought about this concept, the more it made sense. I just finished listening to a video cast from Brian Johnson, creator of Philosopher's Notes, and it made me think about my own personal "dark side".

Now, he talked about it based on a book called, "Dark Side of the Light Chasers" by Debbie Ford. In his video cast Brian said that it is important to own all parts of yourself, even those parts that you don't like. Ultimately, being whole is not about being perfect, it is about loving all aspects of yourself.

So, this got me thinking about my close look at being intolerant and how that could also be a great strength for me in some situations. It was a practice in integrating a 'dark' part of myself, without even knowing it! Cool.

That got me to look at what else frustrates me about others sometimes. Impatient people came to mind. I think of myself as an extremely patient person. Almost too patient.

A-HA! That's it. Why am I so patient? What if I wasn't? What is good about NOT being patient? Again, doing this switch-a-roo has got me to look at the strengths of a trait I do not like. Interestingly enough, I am least patient with myself.

A-HA! Again. So, what if I was more patient with myself (yes, practicing self-care, nurturing time for me, self-forgiveness etc.) and less patient with others? There could actually be positive effects. Wow. It is mindblowing.

I am going to try it.

Because ultimately, what Brian reminded me of was something very important:

We see in others what we see in ourselves. If we see weakness, impatience, intolerance, we see the shadow. However, we can also see creativity, resourcefulness, tolerance, patience, and love. We can shine our own light.

My conclusion: I can't find my shadow if I am not shining my light. You can't have one without the other. Again, it is not about perfection - it is about WHOLENESS.

What keeps you from being whole?

What is the benefit of Intolerance?

2010-03-18T02:25:00.000-07:00

I know it's a crazy title, but thought it was just the perfect one to start off the new regular postings on the blog.

Now that I am older and a tad bit wiser, I will be posting with regularity every other Thursday. If you want to hear from me more often, you better write and tell me. (Or comment in the comments section!)

The brilliant title comes from the homework my coach gave me. Yes, a coach has a coach. (No, we cannot coach ourselves, just like doctors cannot operate on themselves...)

So, my coach asked me "What makes you angry?" And my immediate answer was "intolerance". Those of you who have been reading this blog know that I am all about inclusivity, tolerance, curiosity and openness. So the answer was a no-brainer.

Then she asked me, "So then, what is the positive side of intolerance?" Whaaaaaaat?!

My brain screeched to a halt. Um... is there one? Luckily, I realized that for me, a big believer in seeing from all sides, finding the benefit of intolerance had its purpose.

If I could learn to see the benefit of an opposite perspective, then I could use those benefits. So, I got to work.

Here is what I came up with:

Intolerance helps me to keep my boundaries. If I do not tolerate that people cross over them, they will learn that and not try to take advantage of me.
If I am intolerant of people who tell racist jokes, then I will be more likely to speak out against it, or at least have the courage to tell them so.
Intolerance brings out a kind of solidness and boldness in me that otherwise I do not allow myself to have.

In the end, I see that if I can be intolerant about things I hold near and dear, they provide me with a kind of grounding strength. Wow. Not what I expected at all.

Try it. Ask yourself "What makes me angry? What can I NOT stand?"

Then ask yourself the positive side of that thing. You might be surprised at what you find!

DAY 37: Day One of the Next Best Half

2010-02-16T08:14:00.000-08:00

Today's the day. My twin sister's 40th birthday. And yes, mine too.

Before I end, and begin again, I want to thank you for following me on my journey. Whether you just read one post, or followed them all, I am grateful for your interest, your curiosity. For your company.

I am ready to live an extraordinary life. To have an 'irresistible obituary' as Patti calls it. To create the story of our own life, to create it NOW, not wait for someone to write about it when we are gone.

I am ready to take the plunge to 4 - 0.

But there is one more challenge. One more action to take: Spend 10 minutes writing the obituary you want, so you are not just a number or just a name, but a story. Write from three perspectives: As you would like your family to write it, your closest friends, and people in your community or at work.

What do you want each of those groups to say about you? What laughs would they recall? Not the big things, but the little things - the way you smiled, or the time you drove across town to deliver hot soup?

I won't share mine with you. I don't have time. I am going out there and living it.

As should you.

DAY 36: Connected At the Belly Button

2010-02-15T08:02:00.000-08:00

This is the second to last day of my challenge and with it comes a wonderful synchonization. This chapter was the realization that everything we do, every move we make, is in some small way affecting another. But growing up a twin, constantly either triangulating where she was - or having people compare us - I KNEW my actions were connected in some way to another person.

When I was younger it was simultaneously agrivating and comforting. I never felt alone, although I did sometimes feel left out. I can't imagine celebrating my birthday without sharing my cake - even mentally - with her. But I also get to share my hopes and dreams with her too.

However, even with a twin, who sometimes appeared to read my mind (we are a mean dream team when it comes to Pictionary), there were miscommunications. Misunderstandings. Fights. Patti writes, "There's a gap sometimes between what I think I'm indicating to the world and what is really being put out there by me." I see it happen between people of different cultures, between husbands and wives, co-workers.

Action: Write for three minutes on the question - Who was I when I was thirteen? Describe yourself in great detail. Now write for another 3 minutes on answering - Where did that kid go? What turns have I taken away from her (or him)?

For another 2 minutes write about the part that remains or what part you would like to reclaim. For the last 2 minutes write about the things you need to do in order to get back to that earlier part of yourself that you want to reclaim.

This was great, because I vividly remember that was when I was horse crazy. I spent 2 weeks in a tiny Texas town at a 4-H horse camp, running barrels with a Tennese Walker. He didn't corner well, but he kicked butt when we did the show part. (Tell me one horse that stands prettier than a Tennese Walker!)

I can proudly say that I have left the really shy and rather insecure parts of my 13 self behind and I have kept the adventurous and curious part. The part that likes to jump in the lake.

The Challenge: For the next 37 days, devote at least 10 minutes a day to creating your own vision, whether for wellness or work or marriage. Make it specific, make it compelling, make it your own. Then tell others about it so they can support you.

Well, one more day to go in my personal vision quest. But it's certainly not the end - it's the beginning.

DAY 35: Savor Your Food

2010-02-14T07:55:00.000-08:00

This day speaks for itself, and as it is Valentines Day, Chinese New Year and I am in Switzerland, it couldn't have been better timed.

I moved from Oregon three years ago this summer, a place that prided itself in being part of the local slow food movement. Eat food in season, grow in places near your front door, by small farmers. Then I moved to a big city, but a part of it where I could ride my bike to pick my own raspberries, or cut the salad from the ground. Eggs are delivered to my door every other Monday. There are no lables on this food because they aren't packaged.

But due to lack of knoweldge, fear, whatever the reason - I bought more packaged food than ever. And I developed migraines. Once I sat myself down and realized it wasn't the wind blowing from the mountains, but the processed liver wurst, tee wurst, and other spreadable meats I'd been eating that gave me the massive headaches - I stopped. I stopped eating them. And the headaches stopped.

Now that I am more settled, I realize that there are things we sometimes cut corners on that actually make life more difficult in the long run. Food, and eating in a more holistic manner, a more simple connected - aware - manner is something that we often give up in our race with trying to do more and more.

Remember, slow down, do one. thing. at. a. time. And that includes food.

Action: Spend 10 minutes cleaning out your pantry today. Consider yourself a chef, an kitchen artist. Make something for dinner tonight that you've never made before. Create art on your plate.

Although I am not at home, and I can't cook while visiting our friends, I am enjoying every cheese, cake, bread, or home made jam put in front of me. My hosts can proudly tell me where each item comes from. Who made it or what region of the country it was produced. Most of it is just around the corner.

Challenge: Either at home or a restaurant, eat all your meals as if you have to describe them to others. What colors and textures surround you? Keep a simple list of everything you eat for the next 37 days. And write a mental review of one meal a day to practice slowing down and paying attention.

Give up Pop-tarts. Taste what is in your mouth. Thank the chef.

DAY 34: One. Thing. At. A. Time.

2010-02-13T07:29:00.000-08:00

Wow, just 3 more days until I am 40. I wonder if I have learned enough.

I've learned a lot. But I don't think it will ever be enough. And that's ok.

I am learning that although multi-tasking is a word with positive connotations, a prize of sorts, it also is a modern red-herring. A distraction. Look at everything that I got done! (But don't pay attention to how tired, frazzled and unfulfilled I am.)

I make a lot of To-Do lists, and I am getting good at ignoring them. I am getting better at recognizing what it is that I really want to do. Or need to do. One at a time.

(photo by Matrewz Stachowski)

Action: Today, for one hour, imagine that you can only do one thing at a time. If you drink coffee, you can't check your email or watch t.v. If you are talking on the phone, you can't be cooking.

Then get out your journal and for 3 minutes write about your experience. How did it feel? Was it difficult? Easy? Frustrating?

Then for 3 minutes write about what you miss while multitasking. What do I lose out on?

Challenge: Make a do- or - die list. What must I do or I shall die list? For the next 37 days if someone asks you to do something look to see if it matches your list. If it doesn't, say no.

As for me - I am going to go paint. And then I am going to go sledding with my daughter. And then I am going to relax.

What are you going to do?

DAY 31, 32 & 33 - What INTENTION Has to Do With It

2010-02-12T06:52:00.000-08:00

This last chapter, and the last week of my challenge focuses on the last of the 'i' words in Patti's book. Intention. Slowing down. Paying attention. Making conscious choices. You get the idea.

Day 31: This chapter looked at those remarkable little paths that people make between the official paths. They are lovingly called 'Desire Lines'. They are the paths that lead where we really want to go, not following the prescribed ones laid out for us. Making our own trails.

The action: Write a story for 10 minutes and start each new paragraph with the lines below-

Once upon a time...

Every day...

But one day...

Because of that...

Until finally...

Ever since then...

If you are interested in my story, write me an email. What you need to know is that this exercise is great for identifying yearnings and perceived obstacles. We need to overcome them and move forward.

Day 32: I would call this chapter "Just Show Up!"

It's all about making that extra effort in life to be there. To be the creator of your own fate, not the world around you. Not the magazine in your lap, or the advertisements on the radio. Not the messages from the little voice in your head saying, "It's not possible. It's too scary. I'm too tired."

Action: Write for 4 minutes on what are the paths not taken in your life. Then another 3 minutes on if there were 3 paths in the forest - describe where they go. For the last 3 minutes describe the animal that might keep you from each of the paths.

(photo by Paul de Bruin)

Challenge: Get yourself THERE - those places that you hate (the gym, the dentist) or scare you (the hospital bed of a sick friend, the tax consultant). Go outside and walk in the forest. Go buy an ice cream. See that movie you've been dying to see - in the middle of the afternoon.

Get yourself to your life. Go now - or you'll miss it.

Day 33: This day was about looking at things from different perspectives - as many as possible. Sometimes by doing this we realize that what we thought was a mistake actually opened up a whole new solution. The well known landscape painter on public television, Bob Ross says, "There are no mistakes, just happy accidents."

Action: Pick an object and photograph or write about it from 20 different perspectives or angles. How did changing the perspective affect how you saw it? How might this play out in your own life?

I chose a shell and the results were interesting. I got it too look short, and in another it almost looks like an animal.

Challenge: For the next 37 days be a conscious explorer. Every day pick a new path, get lost, connect with someone different from you, eat in a restaurant you have never tried.

"Fear is what prevents the flowering of the mind" - Krishnamurti

DAY 28, 29, & 30: Reframe Fear - Go From Didn't to Will

2010-02-08T10:16:00.000-08:00

These last three days focused a lot on figuring out what keeps us from doing what we really want or need to do.

Sometimes it is a fear (day 28) - one that we have learned or one that is irrational. In either case, we eventually have a choice to work around it.

Sometimes it is not making the important things for yourself a priority (day 29) and then making excuses for it.

And sometimes we think that we should sit and wait for it to appear (day 30) because "today is my lucky day - I can feel it". Patti's comment to that was, "Unhappy people who win the lottery are just unhappy people in a more public way."

Here are the actions you can take to work through each:

Day 28: Write about what you are afraid of (my list includes big hairy spiders, being late, and drunk men in public - like the Oktoberfest) for 3 minutes. Then circle ones that keep you from doing things you really want to do. Where did you learn to be afraid?

Day 29: Make a list of all the things you want to do before you die. Then write next to each why you can't or didn't do it yet. Then take 3 minutes reframing each can or didn't into a can and will.

This is SO POWERFUL. I learned a lot about myself. On the top of my list was paragliding. I have wanted to do it since I saw people walk off mountain tops in Austria. But I haven't done it because it scares my family. However, now I am committed to doing a tandem jump sometime on my next trip to Alaska. You all read it here. Today.

What are you not doing?

Day 30: Take 5 minutes to list people who deserve your gift when you win the lottery. Who are they and why would you surprise them? THEN take 5 minutes and list how you can support them now - in small ways. Even just asking, "How can I best support you?" might be enough.

Live the life you have now. Don't wait to win big or for someone to come knocking on your door with a huge check. Don't wait to be helpful when you have more time or more money.

Do it now. As much as you can manage without losing yourself and letting go of your own needs. (We've learned THAT lesson, haven't we?!)

DAY 27: Make Art Out of Everything - Even Rejection

2010-02-07T09:18:00.001-08:00

I will be direct and to the point today. And it will sound a bit Zen, but stay with me.

Today is about detaching yourself from the outcome. Not worrying about how it (whatever 'it' happens to be for the moment) will turn out. Write, cook, sing, paint because you must.

Make art out of everything - even rejection.

This idea comes from the activity. Give it a try: In 2 minutes draw the best desk lamp ever.

Then take another 2 minutes to draw the worst lamp ever.

How was the process of drawing a 'worst lamp' different? Perhaps a bit more fun - freeing possibly? Try doing a list of all the 'worst' answers to problems or 'worst ideas' and you might discover that it opens your thinking to great ideas.

Patti called in reverse design, but I imagine there is a psychological term for it.

Reverse psychology? Ideas? Anyone?

Well, when all else fails, I just sit quietly. And wait for the answer to come to me.

DAY 26: Make A List of 'Human Survival Units'

2010-02-05T07:52:00.000-08:00

Today's post is actually a combination of two chapters. The ideas both center around trusting your gut, your SELF in the truest sense of the word.

When we are faced with fear, failure, change (keep going - all those things we don't like) our true selves emerge. Our true friends also tend to surface. It seems that in transition, that space between letting go and arriving, the truest sense of self can be found.

Try this first activity: For 5 minutes make a list of your 'human survival units'- people who will be there when your world fails.

Who is on the list? Who isn't?

Then take another 5 minutes and write about whose list you might be on. Whose list do you want to be on?

In the end, ask yourself if you are spending quality time with those people you consider very important in your life. If not, why not? Are there a few people you need to put in the ejector seat? (These might be people who you feel obligated to see or people who are more like an old habit.)

The next activity was also focused on intuition, but in a way that shows us we tend to stop ourselves when we are closest to getting ready to make a leap - forward. We hesitate. It's scary. Risky. Just not done.

To be open to what the world throws at you - you need practice. Patti suggests this exercise:

Go outside and go for a walk. Hold up a hand and keep it open to catch whatever (an idea, an object) falls from the sky. Catch it, then name it. Then let it go. Do it again, 10 times.

What did you catch?

Mine were any where from rain drops, to money, to hope and curiosity.

Make a list of 20 things that scare you. For the next 37 days do one or two of them a day. Cross them off your list and you'll begin to see how it opens you up. To many things.

DAY 20 - 25: Intimacy - Love More

2010-02-01T13:09:00.000-08:00

More than half way through the challenge and this one hit me hard. The idea was to nurture yourself first, then others.

Imagine! You are so good at taking care of others first, that you forget to brush your own teeth, or eat lunch, or actually do something you enjoy. Women are especially suseptible to this kind of self-neglect. We are so good at running around saving everyone else, that we forget to save ourselves.

Patti's words:

Be selfish in order to be selfless.

So, I took it all to heart and didn't write another word.

I spent time with friends, watched t.v. at night with my sweetheart, and went to bed early. And I don't feel guilty - not one bit.

The week has flown by. And somehow I have done exactly what Patti's chapter title encouraged, 'Love More'. Namely:

Day 20: 1. Take 30 minutes for yourself - to be alone, to take care of yourself first. So you can take better care of others.

Day 21: 2. Don't make excuses for who you are - what you are. If you don't like something - change it - or own it. Be proud of everything you put in front of people.

Day 22: 3. Be open, connect with others. Give free hugs. Boost your quality of life. (This one is especially important because there isn't a lot of hugging in Germany. Friends don't embrace, they do air-kisses on each cheek. But I have realized that the physical embrace is vital for me. So I ask permission, and then I give - and receive - a hug!) You may already know it, but the video from Juan Mann is worth watching if you haven't seen it.

Day 23: 4. Be a writer, not a typer. (I hand wrote all of this before I transcribed it.) Write real letters to people you know in long hand. (I sent three birthday cards with long letters in them.) Surprise people.

Day 24: 5. Expand your capacity for love - and forgiveness. Think of 5 people who are unloveable - then love them in some small way. (It's not about them - it's about you.)

Day 25: 6. Let go - "surprise gravity" as Patti writes. And jump. We get in our own way when we think too much, instead of trusting our gut.

"Man stands in his own shadow and wonders why it's dark." - Zen proverb

This last day, was the beginning of a new chapter, actually, called "Intuition". I included it here because it's all connected.

DAY 19: Measure With a Magic Yardstick

2010-01-30T12:31:00.001-08:00

I know it is a wacky title, but I couldn't help it. This section is where Patti brings out another 'i' word - Intimacy.

What's so great is that it starts with loving yourself. About not measuring yourself with how big your house is, how well your kids do in school, how much money you make. It is about loving yourself for what you are - not what you have.

The action: For 5 minutes write a description of yourself. Stop and cross it out. For another 3 minutes answer the same question without using anything from the first description. Read, repeat for another 3 minutes.

Did it get harder? Did you notice anything change about your description? I sure did!

The first 5 minutes was surface stuff. How I looked and a bit about my interests. The second free write was more about my personality and values. The last one was a mixture of big ideas that wouldn't help you find me in a crowded cafe, but it might help you decide if you wanted me as a coach.

It got down - deep down - into my values. Really important (sometimes very unconscious) issues and ideas that mattered in my life. The idea here is to find the things that matter to you so that you can set more realistic goals for yourself.

Thus the challenge: Write a list of 10 goals you have. For each one ask yourself what's behind it? At the end of the 37 days revisit the list. Are they still the goals you want? Recommit to the ones you still do and revise the others.

Learn to measure yourself against a magic yardstick, one that sings, "Just a spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down..." and then you'll realize it was in your own power to do in the first place.

Day 18: Jump Into the River - Chance Being Great

2010-01-30T12:30:00.000-08:00

Be Great - not just good enough.

You are good. You are beautiful. You are smart. Give yourself permission.

These are the words that stuck with me for this challenge. The story (there's always a story) centered around how life is a fast moving river. Jump in, give into it, see where it takes you. Don't be worried about how others are seeing you - judging you. It's your river, it knows what you should be doing with your life.

The action: Write for 5 minutes to answer the question "When do you feel like an imposter? What do you fear people will find out about you?" Do the hot spot check and write for another five minutes on that topic.

Results: This was easy. Every time someone gives me a compliment, especially about how calm or organized I am, I try very hard to smile and say 'thank you' while in my head I am cringing and thinking, 'It's all a facade! Soon enough you will discover I am flailing, making mistakes, making it up as I go along!!'

And if I am making it up as I go along I must be a fraud. I am suppose to be a trainer, a coach. Shouldn't I have all the answers?!

Luckily, I realized that I don't have to have all the answers. I just have to be curious and willing to take a risk. It doesn't do me or others any good if I play small, mediocre, just ok. It doesn't serve the world.

I need to give myself permission to shine. To do what I am pretty sure in my gut is my purpose in life. That thought is incredibly empowering. The same goes for you too.

The challenge: Ask yourself "Am I becoming someone I respect?" for the next 37 days, every day at lunch. If you say no, you have the rest of the day to turn the answer around. As Patti writes, "This daily questioning is how change really occurs in our lives. Use it to become someone you respect, lunch by lunch."

And as a side note, there is an incredible resource at TED.com. I found an amazing piece on the rhythm in life there.

DAY 17: Break Your Own Rules

2010-01-29T04:41:00.000-08:00

This was such a great practice for today. In this chapter, Patti focused on getting people to see which rules they hold to even though they don't make sense. What happens if you break them? Have dessert first, then salad. Sit in a different seat at the dinner table. What happens?

The only way to discover imbedded patterns that don't actually help us in life, we have to do things differently. Then we begin to see things differently.

The action: Write for 5 minutes and list all the sayings you've grown up with. List as many as you can come up with. Don't censor yourself - write them all down. Go through and circle ones you actually live by (might be a deeply held value) and underline the ones that aren't necessary or real.

The result: I could only come up with 16 or so sayings and many of them were gender based or health related. I think I have broken all of them at least once, except buying a dented can.

The challenge: For the next 37 days use your list to notice and then break your rules. Start by taking a new route to work. Have tea instead of coffee for breakfast. If you always take the same seat in church or school (or sit next to the same person), chose a different seat.

How does it make you feel? Make note of how you feel. Stop and question the rule, yours or others, to understand the deeply rooted value. Or is it borne of habit?

Insight: This I find fascinating. We just started switching our places at the dinner table. It has a great affect on our family dynamics. We don't seem so stuck in a position or attitude and the conversation or insights we share seem more conscious.

Can you guess why I chose the jellyfish picture??

DAY 16: A Right Foot and a Wrong Foot

2010-01-28T08:27:00.000-08:00

Wow, I just learned something last night, before even encountering today. I AM on autopilot.

I got so into writing the blog and finding photos for it that I missed a skype date with my sister, a very important travel companion in my life. She asked, "What will it take for you to show up?" I began to wonder if that is a question that pertains to my whole life sometimes. So, my first lesson in focusing on the present was to reschedule my sister-date and get to bed.

Today's challenge...

Today, after a heavy snow, I am sitting with the idea of two rights. Not one right and one left, one black and the other white. Not - I'm right and you're wrong. Perhaps if we try, we can co-exist with the other "right" foot. It seems important to have one of each - a right and a left. My perspective (my reality) - and someone else's.

I often think that it would be an awfully boring world if we all agreed.

So does Patti. The action today: Write for 6 minutes on - How does it feel to be wrong about something? Then - think of a recent argument you've had. Write for 4 minutes framing the other person's perspective as right.

My learning: Actually, this is something I do a lot - I am a natural at empathizing with others. I try very hard to see things from another person's perspective. I get frustrated when they don't see mine. When I can't get them to see that maybe I am right too. Not them or me, but perhaps both of us. But then I realized it is just another form of trying to convince someone that you are right.

I began to wonder how it would be to argue with someone who has a different perspective, but goes a long. Let's there be a right foot and a left foot. Wouldn't that be an amazing dance? And THAT got me to think of having different perspectives and opinions as exactly that - a dance. Without the difference how could we really dance?

I assume that we wouldn't, thus the phrase, "I have two left feet" when it comes to describing one's ability to dance. It just doesn't work. You have to have the complement - the other.

The challenge: Write a list of ten everyday, common kitchen tools. For the next 37 days, chose one of these tools each morning. Come up with five alternative uses for that tool each time. Stretch your imagination! Ask others to help you. They may see possibilities you don't!

Result: I grabbed a rubber band - first thing at hand. Here's my list:
- string them together to create a bottle holder
- use to keep my sleeves up while I wash the dishes
- use many together to make a ball and use as a toy
- use it for target practice on annoying spiders in inconvenient places
- make it into a handle to carry splintery piece of wood

One last thought. The photo of this star fish also helped me see that having more than two perspectives can be even better. Starfish are beautiful, strong, unique. They don't have a right foot or a wrong foot. They have five or more!

Perhaps THIS is evolution!

DAY 15: Don't Start "Here" - Start THERE

2010-01-27T12:29:00.000-08:00

This chapter is titled "Roll on the Floor" in the book, which was about several groups of people competing to win the ownership (custody) of a dog (Rocky) from a shelter. The ultimate realization was that Rocky learned best from 3 goofy guys who got down on the ground and rolled around with him. They enjoyed him for who he was, went where he was - not where they wanted him to be.

The lesson is a great one for when we get frustrated with someone who isn't "getting it" - whatever we are trying to teach them or convince them of. Slow down, try giving them directions from where they are - not where you are.

The action: Focused free-write (have a writing callous like mine yet? We could compare...) for 6 minutes pretend you are writing an instruction manuel for someone who has no idea what it is like to get up in the morning. Describe every detail from opening your eyes, to rolling over to shut off the alarm - until you walk out the door (or consider yourself 'up').

Read it. Would it be possible for someone to do exactly what you do, to follow it, or are you still taking your individual actions for granted?

For the last 4 minutes answer: In what ways am I on autopilot in my life?

This one was pretty easy - or so I thought. But then I looked really closely. I realized that they couldn't do exactly what I do unless they lived in the same house. And since they don't (and most likely never will), I have to write it in a way that they could do what I am doing where THEY are. Then it hit. I get it. Clear, concise, concrete - like an IKEA instruction booklet.

THEN I get to draw pictures for even more clarity. (I am a big believer in visuals - thus so many images!)

The real learning is that I am on autopilot in a lot of ways. I try not to be. I try to pay attention, but I am so trained to multi-task, get lots done, many things simultaneously. It is admired in western culture. I can't hel- waaaaait a minute. That's a choice. And I get to make them.

Isn't that what I figured out yesterday?! Hey, I am catching on to this stuff! How about you?

The challenge: What we do every day is based on a pattern we no longer recognize. For the next 37 days, focus on the patterns in your life.

The challenge in the book is very detailed, but the one that struck me most was "listen intently for the rhythm for the next 37 days". It reminded me of a scene from one of my all-time favorite movies, August Rush. (Follow the link to see the clip of what I am talking about.)

After you watch it, I'll give you a dollar if you can swear that you did not have the urge to go outside and find patterns right then and there!

DAY 14: It's All About Choices - Oh, and Self-Worth

2010-01-27T12:02:00.000-08:00

Sorry this was delayed - technical problems (like sleep). But it will be worth it.

Today was about recognizing what your "red books" - the knowledge that you have, the thing that you cherish that you would not part with unless you knew it was going to be honored and appreciated as much as you do - are.

For me, that's anything on understanding difference, creating curiosity, and being open to change. My knowledge on dealing across difference and managing transition is something that I give away only to people who really want it and appreciate it. I don't shove it down peoples' throats or throw it at every problem as the solution.

The action: (really, really loved this...) for 6 minutes do a focused free-write on "If your work were the answer to a question, what would that question be?" Read it when you are done. Then circle a hot spot, write on that word for 4 minutes. What does it reveal about that thing for which you have the most passion, the thing that you would most protect and cherish? How can you make it so?

This is a brilliant coaching exercise - one that I will certainly use in the future. I hope to hear from everyone who is reading this blog at least one sentence on what thrills them!

My question was of course along the lines of living in a way that I not only reach my fullest potential but connect and co-create with all the other potential out there. How can I be most alive and true and aware?

Life comes down to choices, ones that are incremental and ultimately shape our lives. There is a beautiful quote by Annie Dillard that says it perfectly:

How we live our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.

The challenge: So, Patti suggests that we keep a catalog of all the choices we make every day.

Coffee or tea? Drive or bus? Truth or white lie? (Think Annie Dillard here.) Then review you record, which ones caused you to pause? Do they tap into something meaningful to you?

Did you make choices based on what others expected of you? Safety over risk?

Examine your patterns. What did you learn about how you make choices?

If you haven't read "The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho, then I highly recommend it. It is about many things. One of them - choices.

DAY 13: Save Someone Else's Face

2010-01-23T12:19:00.000-08:00

Integrity - the next in line of the 'i' words in Patti's list. And something very powerful.

The stories in this chapter were about saving face, about making sure that the help you gave was something that didn't make you bigger or better, but the receiver was helped - without having to reciprocate.

This idea is integral to living and thriving in Asia, but did you realize how important it is everywhere else? Protecting another person's identity is not an uncommon practice. In fact, it is key to integrity.

Today's action was about connecting to shame and the effect it has. What?! Don't get it. Read on.

Action: Take 6 minutes to write about a time when you were publicly shamed. The physical feelings, where you felt it in your body. Then circle the hot spot, the word that stands out, and write about that for 3 more minutes.

I had no trouble remembering a very shameful and embarrasing moment. It happened about 6 years ago and I was with two people who were relative strangers to me. They did something very powerful and graceful by not making a big deal out of what happened. They stood by me and we laughed about it.

Before we laughed I felt so small, so weak and powerless. It was frustrating. I felt like crying. But their "no big deal" attitude saved me. Could happen to anyone. THAT was re-empowering. It brought my dignity back.

And because they did it for me, and I recognized it, I watch for a chance to do it for someone else. I am more aware of its power.

So, the challenge (in general): To look for a person or an opportunity to be an angel. Put money into someone's meter that is about to expire. If someone makes a faux pas, ignore it rather than call attention to it. There are so many ways to help another person if you are intentionally looking for them. Can you help without being noticed or wanting praise for it?

Try being a stealth angel.

DAY 12: Stories - Discover the One Sitting Next to You

2010-01-22T22:44:00.000-08:00

Would have posted this last night, I did my homework, really - but internet was down. Fortunately we can't use this excuse about truly living our lives. There's no excuse - the opportunity is always there.

The action: Remember your childhood home (or if you had several, your favorites) and take 5 minutes to draw a blueprint, as detailed as possible. Then take someone on a tour. Think about the stories - the lessons you learned there.

Well, between the age of 0 to 5 I learned that I had lived in 12 house all over the rocky mountains. Luckily my memory seems to kick in when we moved to Alaska. I had two there and they are filled with lots and lots of stories.

A quick list:

-learned playing fair
-respecting difference
-follow my heart
-to find my voice
-cope with death
-to manage conflict
-first love

What about your blueprint? What does it remind you of?

The point of this exercise was to realize everyone is made of stories. If we are going to practice inclusion - opening up to others - we need to welcome them in to our stories and discover theirs. What kind of stories are in the person sitting next to you on the subway? Standing in front of you at the grocery store?

Challenge: For the next 37 days take note of the opportunity you pass (or miss) to engage with someone. What keeps you from doing it? What are you missing?!

THIS is the challenge for me. I always joke with my partner in life that while he is a collector of fine things, it is a good thing I am a collector of stories. They take up a lot less space and are easy to move around!

Discovering other people's stories lights my fire. Guess that is what makes me enjoy coaching so much. I get to mine for amazingly rich gems every time I am open to listening.

DAY 11: Perfection - It's All Wrong

2010-01-21T13:13:00.000-08:00

If you don't risk making mistakes, you can't learn. I am sure you've all heard it. But it is something that needs to be repeated.

One of my favorite songs is by Natasha Bedingfield called 'Unwritten.' There is a verse that goes:

I break tradition
Sometimes my tries
Are outside the lines,
We've been conditioned
To not make mistakes
But I can't live that way

It gets me every time.

Living in Germany I am reminded often of my 'American-ness'. Americans, North Americans, are often seen as a group of people who take risks, sometimes unnecessary ones, but it is a learned value. We are taught to try and make mistakes and go forward and risk failure. I compare this to life in Germany, where risk and mistakes are avoided at all costs. One gathers information, follows the rules and makes decisions based on a lot of thought. Trial and error is not encouraged.

Today's challenge and action focus on NOT seeking perfection. It is about Play. Experimentation. Making mistakes - lots of them.

I look at my neighbor who is learning to make glass beads. She took one class, fell in love, and dove into it. Now she teaches herself from a book. I am amazed at how good the beads are. She said that some of them crack and break, especially when she rushes or tries too hard. She's surprised to see that sometimes the best ones are the ones she thought were all wrong. In the end, she takes joy in the creation - the discovery - not the end product. She just tosses them all in a small cardboard box, for now.

So, the action: Write for 4 minutes haikus about - failure. Then another 4 minutes on perfection.

I won't bore you with my attempts, but Patti's goal is to get you to not worry about perfection, but to begin the process. What happens in regularly and consistently doing something is that through making mistakes you can refine your creation.

The challenge: create art every day for the next 37 days without fail. See what emerges from habit and repetition.

I know of a website: CreativeEveryDay, who inspired a good friend of mine to get busy. It is amazing what she has produced and the new directions it has taken her company. You can see what it has done for her...

Now, this is one challenge I can't wait to start! Who's with me?!

DAY 10: Refuse 'Normal'. Say No to Mediocre

2010-01-18T09:05:00.000-08:00

I know I am a day late on this one, but it just couldn't be helped. Life was busy yesterday. But, I did do my challenge, many years ago. It is partly to blame for my focus and persistance when it comes to 'other', to others. I am drawn to people who are different, mostly because I have experienced that feeling of being on the outside.

Not being 'the norm'.

The action: First write "I am writing this with my non-dominant hand" in cursive, with your non-dominate hand. How did it feel? How does it look? What if you were judged on the merits of your handwriting? Now switch back to your dominate hand and write for 6 minutes about a time when you were in the minority.

The result: Been there, done that, almost exactly 20 years ago.

I studied Japanese in college and was so excited to spend my 3rd (Junior) year in Japan, studying at a university near Nagoya. My expectation was to blend in and make friends - like I always did. But what I didn't realize was that no matter how good my Japanese was or how convincing I learned the nonverbal (body language) stuff, I would always be blonde and blue eyed. I would always be tall - at 5'6" - with comparably large hands and feet.

I had to shop in the men's department. I didn't get my hair cut for a year because no one new how. It was too slippery. Strangers would stand next to me to read what I was reading on the train. They walked up to talk to me in broken English to get practice in. I felt like a movie star. I hated it.

I got smaller and quieter. I didn't wear make-up and wore baggy clothes. I did not walk past mirrors or glass buildings because it was always a shock to recognize my outrageous difference from those around me.

Now I realize that I was trying to disappear, fade into the background. I returned to the U.S. and the constant mantra from my family was, "What's wrong with you?" It took me almost two years to begin looking people in the eyes again, to speaking up. To find my way back to 'normal'.

Luckily, I realized that I learned a great deal, not just about myself, but about being different. It was painful to be on the outside, but it was liberating too. In some ways it gave me freedom to experiment, or to observe from the outside. Ultimately I recognized that 'normal' in one context does not translate to 'normal' in others.

And that's perfectly ok.

The challenge: Do something you don't normally do. Listen to music you think you hate. Order a radically different drink at your regular coffee haunt. Ask questions to people who are different with, 'Help me understand (insert something here about a head scarf or cultural pattern or anything else you don't understand).' Try respectful curiosity.

(Curious about the image above? Ask me!)

DAY 9: Stop Not-Seeing

2010-01-18T08:23:00.000-08:00

Following the theme of inclusion and paying attention, today's challenge was really fun. It revolved around really looking at something with new eyes, really seeing it as if for the first time.

Focusing. Knowing. Really Seeing.

The action:

Put an apple in front of you. Pretend you have never seen one before. Examine it, touch it. Then spend 7 minutes writing a detailed description of it. What does one do with it? Imagine you are explaining it to someone who has never seen one. Read what you've written.

Now, write for 3 minutes (once you've massaged that kink from your hand) about how the time spent writing about the apple made you feel toward it. Would you be able to pick it out of a basket? Did those 7 minutes of intense observation create a connection?

Results: Well, I am a writer, and I like to think I am observant, but THIS was a challenge. Like running a 10 k and I haven't trained. The first 5 minutes were tough, but then I broke through a wall and couldn't stop. I had so much fun explaining how people used apples, even the funny custom of grabbing them from a bucket of water with your hands behind your back - for fun!

I felt an almost intimate connection with that apple. A friendship. I almost didn't want to eat it.

The challenge: For the next 30 days make a tiny hole in a sheet of paper. Get very close to an object and observe what you see. Focus, see one thing at a time. Explore how focusing your attention by listening intently to someone changes the interaction.

Here's something new and interesting. Do you know what this is a picture of? It's very close. It is focused. Once you figure out what it is, perhaps you will never look the same way at this thing again...

DAY 8: For What It's Worth

2010-01-16T07:27:00.000-08:00

And week two begins. Day 30 of 37. Seven down, 30 to go.

First, I am excited to share that I did my homework from yesterday - where I sit in a cafe and listen and record what I hear. Although it was in German, I actually got a lot down. And it was fun putting my poem together in German. Here it is, with the translation to follow:

Cafe Talk - Aufmerksamkeit

Bis du zufrieden?
Nebel, sind alles.
Fragen. Fisch.

Ich weiss.
Ich denke es genau.
Zugehört.

Echt. Ja.
Sehr schön.
Es ist witzig.

Translation:

Cafe Talk - Pay Attention

Are you satisfied?
Fog, that's all.
Questions. Fish.

I know.
I think that exactly.
Listened to.

True. Yes.
Very nice.
It's funny.

So, for diving into TODAY, to practice inclusion. To look the homeless in the eye and engage. To open up and receive.

Before I share the challenge, I have to share a story from Paulo Coelho, one of my favorite authors. In his book, "Like the Flowing River" he has several short stories and essays. The one I am going to mention "Who Would Like This 20 Dollar Bill?" fits to this idea of value, despite appearances.

Coelho writes about a professor who holds up a 20 dollar bill and asks the classroom, who could like this? Everyone's hands go up. Then he crumples it, and asks again. Hands still go up. Then he drops it on the ground and stamps on it, repeatedly. He swears at it and insults it. He asks again, and most people's hands go up. His closing remarks are,

'It doesn't matter what I do to this money. It is still a 20 dollar bill. So often in our lives, we are crumpled, trampled, ill-treated, insulted, and yet, despite all that, we are still worth the same.'

I found this a very powerful story, especially in the light of all that is happening around the world. A reminder of my own self-worth and that of others.

The challenge for today involved a lot of writing and wonderful deep thinking and playfulness. It was a lot, and you can skip some if you want, but here were the instructions:

Write for 2 minutes about a favorite childhood game for 2 minutes. Describe it and who you played it with.
Then for another 2 minutes tell about a secret hiding place. When did you go there?
Another 2 minutes, write about your greatest loss. Where did you feel it in your body?
2 minutes (see a pattern here?) write about your first love. About the sounds and colors and other things you associate with that experience.
Last 2 minutes write about your dreams. What do you yearn for?
Read all that you've written and then imagine that every other human being has the same richness in experience, memory, and story. We are all complex, textured, layered beings.

Wow, I can't even begin to share what I wrote, and that's not even important. But the key was the same as the 20 dollar bill story - the incredible richness we have around us in human experience. I feel like someone took off my sunglasses!

I'll leave you with a favorite movie of mine.
'Validation'

DAY 7: Be Open - Be Generous

2010-01-16T05:15:00.000-08:00

I wish I could capture all the great stories in the book, but you'll just have to go take a look at it for yourself. The end of this first week of challenges is marked by the second of Patti's 'i' words - Inclusion.

In my intercultural and coaching work, I find myself starting groups, organizing events, doing things that bring people together, encouraging them to get to know people they might not have otherwise talked to. Patti writes in her book,

"Creating inclusion requires being generous. Most often it consists of simply extending a hand. That's hard to do if you are grasping tightly to your sand, your rightness, your belief system...your definition of normal."

When I was a child I was very shy. I could easily hide behind one sister or the other. I was quiet and I cried easily. Luckily, my life has provided me with all kinds of opportunities to learn about people, and even though I still don't like walking into a room full of people I don't know, NOW I realize the potential of meeting someone interesting. "Generosity comes from opening ourselves to others", writes Patti.

Looks like these people have the same idea!

So, the challenge: Grab your journal and go to a cafe, restaurant or park - some place there are other people around. Listen to the rhythm of the conversations around you. Capture snippets of the conversation by writing phrases you hear for 5 minutes. Then spend 5 minutes creating a poem from the pool of phrases. And help someone while you're there. Perform one small act of kindness.

Results: I have to admit, I didn't make it further from my house today than the forest next door. But the plan is to hit a cafe tomorrow and sit for at least 30 minutes and listen. I will check in and perhaps even share my poem.

On another note, to follow taking a closer look at things, and finding wonder and art in LIFE - I found this bead. Take a look at it. Really look. What does it remind you of?!

For me, it looked like a small planet earth. Like I was holding a very small planet in my hand. And to think that someone made this bead by melting glass rods over a very hot flame and twisting. Pretty incredible. The woman who made it lives in Stuttgard, Germany. Check out her beads!

DAY 6: Wow! (How to be Surprised Intentionally)

2010-01-15T13:47:00.001-08:00

I love the word 'Wow'. The best proof of how much I like that particular word (and my twin can back me up) is that my daughter's first word was not 'mommy', 'ball', or 'no', but - you guessed it - 'Wow!'

You can imagine how excited I was when I read the title of this section in the book: "Say Wow When You See a Bus". I don't have to work at being thrilled. It's fun, and the great by-product is a useful bunch of energy.

I digress. So, the challenge:

Part A (as always): Go out and pick a leaf or a rock and bring it back inside. Study it for 5 minutes. Then write non-stop for 5 minutes describing it in detail. Go put the rock or leaf back outside. Could you find it again based on your description?

As every rock and leaf is covered by a lovely blanket of snow, I chose to pick a leaf of a plant inside my house. The plant hangs by the kitchen table and is the loveliest shades of beige, green, and purplish pink. The leaves are almost like slim hearts, without the turn inward. I picked a leaf that was all white, except for a green stripe on one side of the upper leaf, with a jagged white line through the green. The underside was a lovely shade of purplish pink.

In all honesty, there's no way I could find that leaf again, or least my confidence isn't great enough to believe that I can. I am such a visual person, I like to look at things - to observe. It's how I find my way to and from places. I don't pay attention to the street names, just the shops and gardens along the way. Interestingly enough, I rarely get lost. But I still don't think I could find that leaf again...

Part B: Quick - don't think - write down 5 objects that you see every day. (For the next 37 days whenever you see this item, say OUTLOUD, "Wow! A spatula!" and be delighted with it. Say it, feel it, like a 5 year old. Love your spatula.)

My list: toothbrush, computer mouse, wooden spoon, pen, key.

Result so far: I am doing my best to be aware of these objects when they cross my path. But I am usually thinking of something else, my mind busy with plans for the day, thinking ahead. I have caught myself with the toothbrush and wooden spoon, and it feels very silly when I call out, "Wow, a toothbrush!" and it makes me giggle. It's delightful.

Perhaps there's more though. I am going to try to be thrilled by things I don't like. "Wow! Look at this traffic! Yea, I get to listen to all my favorite songs!" "Cool! Another bill, it proves I live here! I'm a resident of Germany!" "Awesome! Laundry! I just love the smell of fresh laundry. Yeaaaaaa!!!!"

Give it a try, and tell me what happens.

DAY 5: I'm a YES (Wo)Man! - part 2

2010-01-13T14:14:00.000-08:00

Wow, hard to believe this is day 5. I am slowly building up my hand muscles again from all this timed writing.

After a full 9 hours of catch up sleep, my thoughts were much more clear and I was able to focus on the challenge of the day.

Part A: Write for 3 minutes on what you've said 'no' to in the last 12 months. Read it. Then write for 3 minutes on who censors you, what circumstances keep you from saying 'yes'? Read it. Then write for 3 minutes on what YES would look and feel like.

Well, it was very easy to write about what I've said no to because most of it entailed doing good things for myself. And most of it didn't sound like, "No, I need to ..." it sounded more like, "Oh, I can't because I should ..." or "No, I have to ..." Very clever - my censor. My censor is my own desire to make others happy, to avoid conflict or not disappoint others. The result is denying myself something and then waiting until the chance comes again or putting it down to poor planning.

I imagine I am not alone in this way of thinking and behaving. So many of us were taught to address other's needs first (especially mothers and occassionally fathers, or middle children!). It is difficult to make the realization that not taking care of one's own needs eventually affects our ability to take care of others.

It's a cycle. One that perpetuates itself through our children.

My favorite part of this exercise was the last. Describing how 'Yes' would look and feel. That was amazing. The vision of a bird flying over the mountains - soaring, gliding. Then another vision of a giant sea turtle flowing through the water. Then another vision of being in a kayak, propelling myself, balancing on the water. All these images are so powerful, freeing. Strong.

THAT is what it should feel like to say 'Yes', because it is a choice that brings you something, or gives others permission to take care of themselves too. To not worry how others will judge them. To not worry about failing.

Part B: Say 'YES' for the next 37 days to as much as possible.

Be creative when you need to say 'no' and try saying it in a 'yes' instead. Say, 'Yes, thank you for that piece of cake, my children will really enjoy it.' or 'Yes, I would really enjoy a massage, but I will schedule it for next week, because this week I am busy."

Give yourself permission - to fly or to fail. It's all good. YES. It's a very powerful word.

DAY 5: I'm a YES (Wo)Man - part 1

2010-01-13T14:12:00.000-08:00

I almost didn't write about today's challenge. I am so tired, from staying up late and writing and then getting up early. At first I was going to pound out this entry and then I realized that the title of this doesn't mean you say "yes" to all the things you have to do, but to those things you want to do.

So, I am saying "yes" to getting a full night's sleep. And then writing in the morning. But not before I provide you all with an amazing display of art made from the ordinary. Certainly makes me gaze in wonder. Check it out!

I so wish I had the name of the person who made this so that I could celebrate them!

Day 4: Celebrate Your Successes!

2010-01-11T13:31:00.000-08:00

This is right down my alley - I LOVE celebrating things. Just ask my daughter. I celebrate as many holidays as I can organize. I am an ardent Chinese New Year reveler - and I'm not Chinese. (Mark your calendar - it's the Year of the Tiger and it begins on February 14th. If THAT's not a good omen, I don't know what is!!)

(photo by Zsuzsanna Kilian)

I - for the most part - will admit to being a Pollyanna. An optimist. I can't help it. So I thought this challenge would be easy-peesy.

Here's what I had to do:

Part A:

1. List people in my life who deserve awards for the little things they do (list what they do).

2. Then for 3 minutes design awards for them (the wackier the better).

3. For the last 4 minutes, list the things that you have done, big or small, that deserve celebrating. Don't be shy, celebrate yourself.

The first two were easy and fun. I have some great ones. There's the neighbor who is always picking up extra fresh eggs from the 'egg lady' (who comes every other Monday) for me because I keep getting confused on which Monday she comes. That neighbor gets a golden egg in a nest of 5 euro bills.

Then there's the friend who is always calling my bluff, ringing my bell to say, 'Are you sure you're not just trying to make others happy at our own expense?' You guessed it, she gets a golden bell, with a very long handle.

And there are many more...

But the last one, writing about myself and celebrating myself, that was hard. I know there are a lot of things I do that are mind-blowingly boring and I think, "I should get a friggin' award for this!" but now I look back and don't think they are worth celebrating. Not with an award.

And why not?! I am super patient and am always looking for the compromise in a sticky situation. But what kind of award would that look like? I often provide clarification and summaries at meetings, but again - what kind of award would that be? Sadly, this is where my powers of creativity have failed me.

I was recently told that I needed a lot of work on my heart chakra because I am really good at giving, but not receiving. So, I am going to take heed and listen. I am open to receiving comments or suggestions from those of you out there that know me and who would like to present me with an award for something.

I'm open.

And perhaps THAT is the key. The realization may be that I need to practice celebrating myself. I'm obviously not very good at it.

Luckily, there's Part B: Go to the grocery store and buy 5 packages of birthday candles. Use them with wild abandon, for any reason. Find a cause for a birthday candle every one of the 37 days. Patti writes, "I travel with a pack because you just never know when a celebration will break out - and you know that the Girl Scouts say: Be Prepared."

So, I went out and bought those candles. I can't wait to use them. I plan on documenting the various occassions on the blog!

Day 3: Driver or Passenger?

2010-01-11T13:08:00.000-08:00

I thought today was all about living intensely, saying "yes" to those things that didn't seem practical or mature (though not at the expense of the planet or other people).

I thought it was about making choices. Do I make smart, mature, mediocre, boring, responsible choices?

Or do I make choices that make me giggle, give me a thrill, make me smile and will ultimately make this journey called LIFE more enjoyable?

But I realized it was both - and - neither!

Action: I was suppose to imagine I was driving a car down the street and write for 5 minutes about everything I saw in great detail. Then, I needed to switch positions, be the passenger in the car and write about what I saw for 5 minutes. After reading both what did I notice? (Try it - right now! You might be surprised. I was.)

Results:

Well, as it was a total of 10 minutes non-stop writing, the first result was a minor hand cramp. (I type more than I write, so I guess those muscles were sending me a sign.)

What I noticed (after the cramp went away) is that the driver has a lot of responsibility and needs to be sensible and aware of what is going on in front, behind, and the sides of the car. There's more tension and focus. A passenger (or at least ME as passenger) enjoys a more relaxed atmosphere, notices the beauty or scars of the landscape and quirky things like the horrible color of a particular house or how a lovely field of flowers has been recently dug up because it was made into a sledding hill. (In Germany they like to be prepared.)

Having said that, as passenger I don't get to decide how to react when a bus pulls out suddenly, but as the driver I see it coming several cars ahead and am already preparing my body to react. So, both positions have their advantages and disadvantages. What a surprise. I was prepared to pick one position over the other. But now I am not so sure!

Thoughts: This challenge reminded me of a friend here in Munich. We are not buddy buddy, but as we Americans often call people we know and like "friends", I am sticking with that label. Anyway, I couldn't help thinking of her because she currently lies in a hospital bed, ill from chemotherapy, and I realized she was the perfect example of someone who is a DRIVER in life.

Until now, she was not a passenger, simply watching the scenery go by, and letting others steer. Every time I saw her or heard about her, she was organizing, planning - DOING. And not necessarily stuff that she HAD to do, but fun stuff. Dinners, concerts, art shows, ski trips, cooking classes.

She is a FORCE, and her enthusiasm and energy for life rubs off on everyone around her. Yet, as she lies most uncomfortably in that bed, healing, having to be a passenger for the moment, I hope she is able to take the time to watch the scenery go by, and not worry about driving.

Part B Again, there's another step, if you want to take it. Patti suggests finding one small way to incorporate art into your life. While paying bills - decorate the envelop. Arrange the vegetables on your plate in circles. Etc. etc. etc.

What I did - I bought dark purple towels for the front bathroom. I know it sounds ordinary, simple - but for me it felt extravagant. Our entryway is red and the bathroom is a very plain shade of beige, so as not to clash. But when I saw these hand towels, I just knew they had to be in our front bathroom. Reminds me of the older ladies who walk around wearing the purple and red hats!

Conclusion: We have choices, make ones that add art, joy and surprise to life! For me, LIFE is an ART. Make it every day, in simple ways, and don't be so focused on driving that you don't see the scenery.

Day 2: Cradle Wonder in Your Pocket(book)

2010-01-11T12:56:00.000-08:00

Two days down, 35 more to go, and here's the second challenge - rediscover the wonder inherent in something that is apparently ordinary. A bar of soap, an animal track in the snow, the sound of a jet flying over head.

This assignment asked me to do several things.

First: Find my touchstone, talisman, small wonder - that which reminds me of finding wonder in the world, of sharing it with others.

Second: Take 10 minutes to create a tiny collage, drawing, or poem small enough to fit into my wallet representing what brings me joy.

Ok, the results were as follows:

Talisman - I carry a small silver ladybug in my wallet. Every time I change my purse or wallet, it comes too. I see it as a sort of good luck charm, a reminder of the importance of little things, how we are all connected, and how we are fragile. I've been finding real ladybugs in the house since Christmas. Must be extra little gifts from the Christmas tree.

I also discovered a second sort of talisman. I received him as a surprise gift for Christmas this year from dear friends in the U.S. This little guy won't fit in my pocket, but he squeaks when you squeeze him. He has been a constant source of surprise, wonder, and joy since I pulled him out of the box!

(Will you help me name him?)

My collage: This was easy, as I use a tool called VisualsSpeak which already has a lot of great images to use. Then I added things, objects and food, that bring me great joy. I had to include an image from Alaska and some excellent dark chocolate balls from a friend in Switzerland. I took a photo of it. I can't wait to print it out and stick it in my wallet!

Conclusion: I don't normally have a challenge incorporating creativity into my life, but just like everyone, I have those days that are gray, totally lacking in inspiration, wonder and, yes - intensity. I'm going to use my talisman and my photo as sort of match sticks to 'light my inner fire'. I'll keep you posted on how that works...

What's your talisman? I'd love to hear...

DAY 1: Find Joy - Dance like a 5 year old

2010-01-10T13:56:00.000-08:00

According to Patti there are 6 practices that emerged from writing her book:

Intensity, Inclusion, Integrity, Intimacy, Intuition, Intention

She helpfully points out that each one starts with 'In' (being present) and more importantly with 'I' (as in each person = themselves). So, I decided to make sure and be as present, focused, and involved with each of these 37 days and each challenge along the way.

Because change won't happen unless we start with ourselves. I'm not going to wait for someone to give me permission to live the life that makes ME happy.

Intensity - is part of my first challenge.

Day 1

Action:

Part A - Put on some music and dance like a 5 year old for 2 minutes. (Then write continuously for 3 minutes answering the question "What brings me joy?")

I will admit this is something that I practice regularly, to the horrible embarrassment of my tweenage daughter. When I hear a happy song I dance (in the car, the kitchen, at my computer). I can't help it. So, I danced for 4 minutes to a song that I find very inspirational: Jump Rope by Blue October. (Click on the words to get some happy feet!)

The result was that I was very out of breath by the time I needed to write, so there was a lot of heavy panting while scribbling.

The summary of what brings me joy? Mountains, sunshine, crickets, slightly melted ice cream, laughing children, watching dogs jump in the snow...

Part B (Oh, you thought we were done, huh?!) Describe your dance of joy in 3 minutes. (Then write for 2 more minutes about what keeps you from dancing it!)

I surprised myself in the description, it looked a lot like a yoga pose that broke out into aerobic dance moves with the accompaniment of giggling and screaming children. (Lots of twirling and skipping.) And though I do dance it - I don't do it nearly as often as I'd like because I don't want to embarrass my daughter or partner. And I have that annoying little voice that says, 'You look stupid' or 'People will think you're crazy' playing in my head.

Luckily, Patti reasons that if we worked harder at finding and expressing joy instead of caring so much what others think (and judging others who do things differently than we do), we would all find more time to dance and create joy. (Sounds way more fun than criticizing others anyway...)

So...what's your dance of joy?!

Conclusion: Practice joy, inner joy that makes me want to dance, even in the post office line. Practice being curious, it has much more power to produce good than being judgmental.

Extra tip:

If you haven't seen it already, watch Matt dance all over the world!

The 37 Day Challenge: Creating a Mindful and Intentional Life

2010-01-08T05:13:00.000-08:00

On Monday, January 11th, it will be exactly 37 days until my 40th birthday. I'm actually looking forward to reaching this milestone. I know a lot of people tend to ignore this important date, some say it is "half-way there" (there = end of life) birthday, but I like to look at it as an occassion to celebrate the fact that I have reached adulthood.

I know what I want to be when I grow up. Me.

And the best way I know how to celebrate is by doing something significant, creative, memorable and impacting. That's why I have decided to do a 37 day challenge to live a more mindful and intentional life.

A friend and fellow creative soul, Patti Digh, has written "life is a verb: 37 days to wake up, be mindful and live intentionally". I bought it and kept it in my office as a point of interest and reference during my workshops and coaching sessions. But I never actually read it. And I realize that happens a lot in life. We pick up something and have good intentions, but don't follow through.

So, my goal is to start practicing NOW for how I want to live the second half of my life.

In Patti's book, she gives daily challenges to be creative and open to life and what it throws at you. Each day I will document the challenge and it's results. I invite you (I encourage you!) to join me in this experiment. Feel free to leave comments and share your own personal results.

A journey shared is so much more fun.

The Benefits of Sharing

2009-08-20T01:52:00.000-07:00

You've heard it since you were a child. Play nice and share.
You've probably said it to your own children. Yet it isn't something other adults say to other adults. It seems it is one of those lessons you're suppose to learn by the time you are an adult - like saying "Thank you". Simple.

But it's not.

I am amazed at how many adults don't share. They seem to be afraid that if they give up something they feel they have earned, that they'll have LESS of it. They follow the equation of 2 - 1 = 1. But it doesn't have to work that way. And in these scary financial times, where we are struggling to keep our houses, put non-modified food on the table, and just do more with less, sharing doesn't seem to make a lot of sense. But it's the key.

Let me explain.

Going it Alone

Personally and professionally, we need supporters, contacts, others to bounce ideas off of. Otherwise, we end up doing all the work that we could have shared. Does that mean we shared the profit too and therefore had less of it? Maybe.

Or it could mean that one hand washed the other. By working together we created something better than we could offer alone. I see networking sites like LinkedIn and Xing and Plaxo are flourishing because as the economy tightens and "competition" gets tougher, we have to find people who have resources that we don't. And usually, there is a trade.

Oh, so that's kind of like sharing - isn't it? I like to think so.

Another benefit of sharing is purely psychological, but ends up translating into abundance. One of my favorite writers, Martha Beck, who often writes for 'O' Magazine, wrote in her article about just-in-time thinking and just-in-case.

The main point was that in times of scarcity, especially in our 'First World' lives, it is actually ok to take only what you need, eat what you want, and think in a way that helps you realize there is enough, and there will always be just enough when you need it.

You don't have to stock pile and hord.

No, really, you don't.

How it Works

It is actually quite easy to start thinking and acting in a way that lives up to the rule of sharing.

1) Make a list of all the great things in your life that you have without trying too hard. (fresh air, warm sunshine, clean water to drink, healthy, happy children etc.)

2) Make a list of all the resources you have, like people in your life who support you in different ways, your car, your education.

3) Then try thinking of all the things you could share. For example, I am an avid reader, so I always have a paperback around, or an idea of a good movie. I share those books and ideas with people all the time. I also love stories and tend to remember things when they are in a context. If I meet someone who loves photography, my mind starts going through the catalogue of others who like it and I try to connect the people who love it to each other.

This is a very powerful way to share. It not only connects you to others, but creates a kind of abundance. I like to look at it as an invisible safety net. Who knows, some day you may need something, and if you've been sharing, it's likely others will feel grateful and return the favor.

I have never had sharing backfire. Especially when I do it without expecting something in return.

No surprise I am a big believer in, 'What goes around, comes around.'

Hurry up and Wait

2009-07-21T08:39:00.000-07:00

Have you ever been in a situation where you rushed to get to an appointment or to a location and then you had to wait?! I know a lot of people who are in a hurry, zipping past me on the road, charging past me in the grocery store aisle.

I understand that sometimes it is necessary to rush - but do you know someone who is ALWAYS in a hurry? Someone who exudes "hurry up" energy? It rubs off. My skin gets prickly around these people, my feet tap, my pulse jumps and my shoulders start to tighten up.

I recently met someone at one of my workshops who came to a very important action step. Their goal was to actively wait. Yup. Someone thought that they heard wrong and asked, "Don't you mean take action?" But this person explained that they knew change was coming, but they didn't know what it would look like. So in order to recognize the "change" that would start - they had to pay attention. I thought that was BRILLIANT.

A-ha! So there's a difference between Hurry Up and Wait and Actively Wait, then?! Yes, there is - a big one. It seems to have something to do with focusing and paying attention.

Paying Attention

We humans are really good at spotting patterns. It helps us to categorize, organize, and prioritize. (Not necessarily in that order.) When we pay attention we tend to notice things that either repeat themselves (like habits - for example), or happen outside the regular pattern. Both kinds of paying attention are important.

Focus

This is where focus comes in. If were are paying attention, and let the things we notice slip through our radar with a, oh-now-isn't-that-interesting thought, then the effort is wasted. But if we focus in on what we notice and ask ourselves questions, "Why does that bug me?" "How does that work?" "What made them do that?" then the attention can lead us to something more productive. A solution perhaps. Or a brilliant IDEA.

So you see, when you are in a hurry it is difficult to pay attention and to focus. You simply are moving too fast. Part of Actively Waiting is to be still, or at least to slow down a bit. Don't plan anything for the weekend. Don't take on another project. Take a close look at your calendar and make sure you have time to just be.

I'm not talking ZEN - "be". I'm talking about being open to possibilities, a change in course - who knows? But when it presents itself you'll have time to take action.

Until then - it may just be time to wait.

Let's Play!

2009-06-30T00:18:00.000-07:00

When was the last time you played?

No, seriously. When was the last time you did something just to do it - no goals, nothing to check off your to do list, and no winning or losing?

The importance of playing - just doing something for the pleasure of it (some call it goofing around), came up several times in my workshop last week. One person said how LIFE was like a game and the rules could change in the middle, so it was important not to take it too seriously but to have fun and PLAY with it. Another said that she was taking a course and needed to go home and do her "home play" because it wasn't work - she enjoyed it too much. I thought that was BRILLIANT.

And it reminded me how important playing is when you feel stuck and unmotivated. We adults, we've been so well trained not to do something unless we see "the point". Or find an activity useful. Kids - they are the skilled play-ers. They are professionals at picking up something - a toy, a rock, a sock - and playing.

Yes, it is actually healthy to PLAY. It is an open, spontaneous, non-linear way to explore. It increases all those good chemicals in our bodies, like serotonin, that help us be positive, productive, problem-solvers.

Of course, some people can take it too far and use PLAY as an excuse not to do what they need to do, like make the bed - or make decisions. But I'm not talking to those people (they know who they are). I'm talking to those who are feeling tired, stuck, stretched too far.

My suggestion: start playing now. The sun of summer should help (or if you are in the southern hemisphere the cooler winter temperatures). Stretch those creative muscles. Chart new paths in your brain. Get those neural synapses firing. Do something without a list. Join your kids on the playground. Make a sand castle. Build a house for faeries in your backyard. Do the thing that you don't HAVE to do, but the thing that has no "point".

Afterwards, you may discover you're:

• relaxed

• focused

• content

You might even benefit from a bright idea.

Schedule yourself some regular PLAY time. Make a habit of it.

(And for those who really want the academic psychological take on the value of PLAY, there's a great article at: www.psychologytoday.com.)

Sitting with Curiosity (Not sitting curiously!)

2009-05-14T03:41:00.000-07:00

Now what does that mean?! We all tend to sit strangely sometimes, looking for that comfortable spot for a sore heel, or relief for the kink in our back. But that’s not what I mean.

To be open to newness – even if it’s something old and familiar sitting in front of us – isn’t easy. Not many of us sit with curiosity, not unless we have to. It can be like going to a foreign movie with no subtitles and having to watch their body language and the scenery to figure out what’s happening. Being observant and non-judgmental isn’t easy.

It takes practice.

But it is important to practice sitting with curiosity. Just as with other skills, like speaking another language, dancing the tango, or problem solving – if you don’t practice you forget how and then have to take time to learn it over again.

So what’s the point?

You might be surprised with what comes up when you step out of judgment and into curiosity. For example, is there someone that raises your hackles/rubs you the wrong way? Sit with it and ask yourself ‘why do they bother me?’ Come up with as many answers (heck, at least three) for why a behavior or physical trait sends you off the deep end.

Take a few deep breaths.

Your first few attempts might be tainted by frustration, but if you can go further, you may discover it has nothing to do with that person, but with you, your own personal values and perceptions. As these are deeply unconscious they can be difficult to observe in ourselves, until they come up against something different.

The ability to let go of having the answer or instant understanding of a person or situation actually allows you to more fully explore. This leads to more solutions, better solutions, to life’s challenges. It also makes life easier. It makes working with others easier.

So, what’s the point, really?

It suddenly makes things less personal and more universal. No one is perfect. It’s no one’s fault.

There doesn’t have to be an answer for everything. Sometimes, things just are the way they are, and we recognize it and adapt. Or not. But we remain open to new discoveries and insights.

Try sitting with curiosity. You may be surprised to see something enlightening come sit with you.

Success - What the heck is it (and how can I get it?)

2009-05-12T06:14:00.000-07:00

Has anyone asked you lately, "Are you successful?"

I don't get that question from others very often. But it's a question that replays all the time in the back of my mind. It's usually a whisper, "I want to be successful" is what I hear myself saying. But what does that really mean?

Do I mean, steady clients, healthy income, happy family, good physical health, having loyal friends? Is it one thing or all of those things? When I began to look more closely, I realized that until I can really target what I understand as success, I can't really achieve it.

Make "Success" Concrete

Have you ever tried to walk through a room full of junk in the dark because the light was out or you were just too lazy to turn it on? Or in too much of a hurry? I do it all the time. And although I usually get where I am going, it takes me more time. If I am looking for something - that's a whole 'nother matter.

How can you find something if you don't turn the light on? You might eventually find it, but most likely at some point you'll have to find some light.

It's the same with "success". How can you be successful if you don't focus on exactly what it is that you want? Is it to be influencial in your community or to have well adjusted children? But - what if it's all of the above?! Do you have to chose one or can you have it all?

You can have it all

I'm a big believer that if you discover what it is that you want - the thing that you are passionate about - then "success" will follow, along with everything else. Call me an optimist, or a dreamer, but in the end I believe it is up to you.

It's all about what YOU think.

Or more importantly, what you THINK.

Our minds are very powerful. They can help us or hold us back. But ultimately, we are the experts on US. We know what we really want, but often we get good at hiding those things from ourselves. We are afraid we'll appear selfish or self-centered. (That's one story we tell ourselves.) The answers are in there (in YOU) never-the-less.

Go on a treasure hunt

Try this: pull together images from magazines that make you smile, or objects that make you feel whole or happy.

If you chose images, put them together in a collage. Then step back and take a look. What do you see? Lots of people? Lots of buildings? Lots of animals? What kinds of colors are predominate? Those are clues from your subconscious. Pay attention. Ask yourself what might these observations mean? Write it down, get those answers out on a piece of paper - make your thoughts concrete.

If you chose objects, do you notice a theme? Are they from your childhood? Are they sport or outdoor related? Again, clues from your subconscious - telling you that these are the things that give you power and energy. What might happen if you got to work with them every day?!

Do you see where I'm going?

Here is something else you might have heard before - the key to finding "success" is perhaps not in asking "how", or in asking "what" - but in even thinking about it at all. The whole process of making those hopes and desires actual might just be the ticket.

"Success doesn't come to you…you go to it." Marva Collins

In the end perhaps it really is - the journey and NOT the destination.

Find a FAN - Become Someone Else's

2009-05-05T01:42:00.000-07:00

The other day a good friend wrote to me, "I'm such a fan." She wasn't talking about a new movie or the object you unfold and wave back and forth to cool off.

She was talking about me - about my ideas.

Wow. I have a fan. What a rush! I felt so good when I read that. It made me feel supported, valued - important.

It also gave me a lot of energy. I felt so empowered to go do more of the same stuff she was "a fan" of. And it has made me realize how important it is to have someone in one's life who is enthusiastic and loyal.

Ok, I'm sure there are those thinking, "I don't need someone else to validate me - I don't care what others think of me." If you are one of those blessed self-contained and confident individuals I have other advice for you:

Go be someone else's fan.

Yup. Go find someone else's work that you admire and TELL them. Tell them how much joy, insight, or whatever-other-great- emotion it gives you. Then you will not only be increasing their energy to do great work, but putting good karma out there in these otherwise scary times. Well, so I'm not 100% sure about the karma, but I do know that when people hear positive things about their work or share it with others - EVERYONE benefits in the end.

And I'm not the only one who thinks so. Tom Rath and Donald Clifton (Gallup Chairman) wrote a great book about all this too - "How Full is Your Bucket? Positive Strategies for Work and Life" They use the metaphor of filling up a bucket.

Bucket or fan - the metaphor doesn't really matter. Just look at all the shows full of people screaming that "THEY HAVE TALENT". YouTube is full of people looking for fans.

But you don't have to go on the Internet to find someone worthy. Look around you - at your friends, neighbors, co-workers (or family members!) and I bet you'll find someone worthy of your admiration.

And you just might find that someone else is YOUR fan. Trust me - it's a great feeling.

Living Backwards

2009-04-17T03:40:00.001-07:00

A new client said to me the other day, “I don’t want to always have to go where I’ve already been. I don’t want to live backwards." Those last two words really caught my attention.

“What do you mean by that?” I asked her.

She explained, “I want to create my life here, build something here – a home, a life. I don’t want to go backwards to stuff I know, just to be comfortable.”

This struck me as something very profound and very brave. As we explored this idea more, we discovered that she didn’t mean you should get rid of traditions or not go to places where you feel at home. It had more to do with exploring the present.

She was in a new place. Not just a new city, but a new professional cross-roads. What was the city she lived in all about? What kind of job should she be pursuing in this new place? It was more about living in the present and not always reminiscing about the past or thinking about the future. It is important to be able to shift between these different planes of thinking and being, but it is easy to get stuck.

Change can be hard: emotionally, mentally, physically.

Getting Stuck in a Rut

One way we often cope is by trying to control the amount of change we have to deal with on a day-to-day basis. We keep the same routines -- drink the same kind of coffee, keep the same hairstyle. We look for the familiar in the unfamiliar, basketball courts in Taipei instead of tea houses, for example.

However, this is one place we can get stuck. Once we find these familiar things, we can get caught in making things like they used to be. Before CHANGE happened everything was clear, simple – just right. It’s great I can just recreate it again, isn’t it?!

That’s what we call a bubble. It feels safe and protective, but it also keeps you from growing and developing new skills and insights. Perhaps this is what my client meant about “living backwards”.

Coping with Change

We can stay in our safe bubble. Or we can choose to grow - to take risks - to transform. Change is scary. It can be stressful. Change can feel like you are caught in a fast moving tide, and you are not sure where it’s going. You can’t see around the next turn, although you try to plan for it. It can be exciting, exhausting or - both.

One way to cope with change is to recognize it, and observe it. Pretend it is a tide you are in. I like to imagine that instead of swimming against the current or surfing the waves that rush ahead, I am just floating. Gently rolling up and down with the tide, saving my energy for the big push to shore.

Which shore? I’ll know it when I see it – and so will you.

The Power of Using Images

2009-04-15T08:35:00.001-07:00

I just returned from participating and presenting at the SIETAR USA (The International Society for Intercultural Education, Training, and Research - now you know why they use an acronym) 2009 Conference, in Cary, NC.

VisualsSpeak: Using Images to Build Bridges

I felt really fortunate that the proposal committee was able to get my submission in, because I love this tool so much. The power of using images, once people play with them, speaks for itself. And not just any images, because there are a lot of people already using images from magazines, or postcards. The images in the VisualsSpeak (from here on out I will refer to the tool as: VS), were designed to evoke deep emotional response.

How it Works - in a nutshell

Brain research shows that the right side of the brain is linked to circular, intuitive, visual thinking - which is what we access when we use images. Adding words to describing the images then links in the left side of the brain, which is the literal, logical, linear part. Right + Left = you end up using the WHOLE BRAIN. That tends to make people really remember and begin to integrate learning.

Yup, they go deep, which is what we intended.

From 4,000 images, we narrowed it down to several hundred "types" of images, and then the photo shooting began. We looked for images that represented many universal truths, if you believe in such a thing. We looked for images that weren't simply representations of one thing. (And when I say "we" I'm really talking about Christine Martell and Tom Tiernan, the two owners of VS and about 6 of us who helped do some beta testing.)

Take this image - one of my favorites - for example.

What does it say to you? (I bet each person has a slightly different answer.)

My Session

My goal at the conference was to introduce VS to more people, to give them another tool that I think is fun and innovative. I only had 90 minutes, but we managed to do an ice breaker (chose one image) and a collage activity. Everyone had 5 minutes to chose images around one of two questions:

1. What are my goals for the SIETAR USA 2009 Conference?

2. Who am I as a culture being?

The questions are the key to using the tool. They provide the framework and help people focus and grab on to specific metaphors. (Remember, Right + Left = Whole Brain.)

As you can see from the photos of the collages, it is important to have a non-patterned surface to work with, or a neutral background, otherwise the its hard to focus on the actual collage.

The carpeting in the room was especially problematic!

Other Sessions

Funny enough - I wasn't the only one using VS at the conference.

Marlo Goldstein of Adelante Services used it in her session called "(More than) Two sides to every story", looking at conflict management approaches and activities. Here's what Marlo says about VS:

"VisualsSpeak never fails to first captivate people with the beautiful and intriguing imagery. Then, they are immediately engaged in conversations that seem to go right to the heart of the matter. They find that the images really facilitate their own storytelling as well as their understanding of others. It is a great tool for my work in Conflict Management because it provides an 'in the moment' exercise around differing perspectives (which in real life can cause conflict) and conversations to build understanding across those differences."

Riikka Salonnen of Oregon Health and Science University also used it in her session: Food for Thought - Diversity, Inclusion, and Intercultural Development at OHSU. We used it to create a collage about creating excellent multicultural customer service - a topic I am keen to introduce in Germany.

Right + Left = What it's All About

Using images is certainly not the only way to access deep metaphors, or to connect cognitive learning to changing behavior - but in every situation that I've used VS, whether its with an individual client, a team, or across various cultures - it gets at significant issues in a fun and low risk way. People become attached to their images, and they become attached to the ideas that emerge from them.

If you're interested in how this visual cognitive thing works, try reading:

1. Visual Language: Global communication for the 21st century by R.E. Horn (1999)

2. Creative Brain by Ned Herrman

And if you are in Germany, I'll be presenting it again at the Sprachen & Beruf (Languages & Business) Conference in Düsseldorf, June 16th.

(Yup, this is me - busy pollinating those ideas - ones I hope will bloom into something beautiful!)

Why Getting Lost is Good For You

2009-03-26T10:35:00.000-07:00

It’s not hard to get lost. Just go to a new city, park at the airport lot and forget your ticket,

…or step into a new situation.

Take note: There is a difference between being lost, and getting lost.

BEING lost is something that happens TO you, a state that you find yourself in. You can be lost in a good book, or confused with what to do next in a difficult situation.

GETTING lost is a more active state, something you participate in and engage with. Sometimes you choose it, and sometimes you don’t.

What does getting lost do? (Besides scare the spit out of you.) It gives you an opportunity to explore and discover not only a new place, but perhaps a new skill or a new insight too.

Every new environment or situation invites a chance to GET lost. Don’t BE lost, which in a sense is a way of giving up too soon. No one wants to be lost, but it takes courage to get lost.

Try it.

Go explore a new route to a familiar place. Choose a new place to do your grocery shopping. For those truly brave souls (or someone with lots of time on their hands) flip a coin, heads – you go left, tails – you go right, and see where chance takes you.

The physical sensations are what we tend to notice first when we are lost. Heart rate goes up, palms sweat, mouth or throat is dry, and something itches that you can’t reach. It’s ok, don’t panic.

Take a moment and breathe in deep.

What about your awareness of your surroundings? That should increase too. The buildings are all five stories or lower and I can’t see any mountains. There are a lot of white cars in the parking lot. People kiss each other on the cheek in greeting and shake hands.

It’s a good start, keep going.

It’s what you need to tell yourself each time you get lost. It takes a lot of energy to take everything in, to scan high and low for details that might help you find your way. The flight or fight instinct kicks in and actually helps us take in more details than if we “knew” where we were going. (Ever drive to a familiar place with your mind full of thoughts and then when you arrive wonder, “how did I get here?!”)

Life is a journey and although the destination is important, wouldn’t it be more enriching and enjoyable if we actually noticed where we were going and, perhaps more importantly, how we were choosing to get there?

We are all busy with too much to do and too little time to do it. Getting lost is not necessarily efficient use of this precious commodity. However, it may be the best way to hone skills we can use to get things done.

Make a choice to pay attention.

Practice getting lost – choose to engage in exploration and newness.

Observe your surroundings, the people you work closely with, your own body’s messages. Then the whole process of making your way through Life could be more like getting lost, than being lost.

Working with Power - an Integration of Feminine Strength!

2009-03-12T10:12:00.000-07:00

I grew up with role models like the “Bionic Woman”, “Wonder Woman” and “Charlie’s Angles.” Strong, powerful women, who were still feminine. They had great hair, dressed well, were physically fit (ok, so the bionic woman had an unnatural advantage), and used their brains in tough situations.

It’s no wonder that when I heard about Working with Power and their tool, the 12 Elements of Power, I was hooked. Finally, here was a way of re-defining my feminine energies into strong tools for work and life. It’s a concept that once I heard it made me say, “duh!” It’s like looking at snowflakes and then realizing together they can turn into something very powerful. Glaciers move slow, but they shape the land underneath them, moving house-sized boulders and depositing them into fields where nothing else exists for miles.

The 12 Elements have that kind of power, only on a human scale.

Like most good solutions, it draws on the strengths already present in a person, and requires that you pay attention to both sides of an equation. The 12 Elements of Power framework encourages integration, balance, and incremental change.

Yup – it requires work. No magic pill, no recipe with dos and don’ts.

The development of self-awareness and then practice, practice, practice.

The two creators of this way of working (of thinking!), Sara Harvey Yao and Michele Lisenbury Christensen, developed this tool because as professional women they felt there had to be another way to work in which they could stay passionate, strong, and focused on their work, yet enjoy their families too. They realized that they were at their most effective when they integrated their feminine approaches, like asking for help or nurturing someone, with the more masculine, like taking control and providing solutions.

Their motto is “Working with Power: It’s easier” for a reason.

Well, maybe it’s not easy in the beginning, as no learning process truly is. However, in the long run, which is the WHOLE point, it is easier and more lasting, to work in a way that balances your strengths.

It’s an idea whose time has come. And I am spreading the word.

If you’ll be in the Durham, North Carolina area, near the Arrowhead Inn on Sunday, April 5th, then treat yourself to an experience. I will be offering a workshop with my twin sister (Getting curious? That’s the idea!), where we will introduce the 12 Elements of Power as one of our many tools and give you a chance to practice.

I can’t guarantee you’ll leave with the ability to move huge boulders or leap tall buildings with a single bound, but I can promise you’ll experience something mind-opening, re-energizing, and joyful.

To find out more go to www.theintentionalway.com to find out more and register.

But you better hurry – we only have room for 15 special women!

Clocks: Time: Expectations: Culture

2009-02-18T05:07:00.000-08:00

I live in a house with 27 clocks.

More than half of them are running. Only 4 of them display the correct time. None of those reflect the same time, except by the hour.

Having all of these clocks was not my idea, but moving here was. So, I adjust. But it has caused me to ponder a few things. First, why would someone want all these clocks, they can't possibly need them. Second, what does that say about how we value time, or our perception of it?

The Perception of Time is Culturally Based

Yes, that's right, how we perceive the passing of minutes and hours, how we feel about time, is deeply rooted in culture. I'm talking about deep culture, not the arts. I'm talking about the way we live and experience reality, not brain research.

There are lots and lots of studies out there about this topic, but a good place to start understanding it is with Edward T. Hall's, "The Silent Language." Easy to read and full of great concrete examples and stories, Hall does a brilliant job of showing how cultural values influence our perception of time.

Monochronic versus Polychronic

Those of us who live and work in the modern, western, industrial, North American or European parts of world most likely were raised to perceive time in a monochronic way. You should do one thing at a time. Time is measured scientifically and experienced in minutes, hours, seconds, years...etc. We tend to be future oriented and use phrases like, "Time is money." or "Time is running out." It is not just a national cultural view point. Business is usually run this way. It is often seen as a more masculine trait as well.

Being on time, meaning - arriving at a location (whether it is a meeting point, or a project date) at an exact agreed upon time, is highly valued and those who are not able to get there "on time" (or even better - early), are seen as unreliable, not trustworthy, lazy, or not too bright. Or, some might go so far as saying, the person who is late just doesn't care. Any of this sound familiar?

However, people living in the southern hemisphere, South America, Southern European countries, or in several countries in Asia experience time in a very different way. It's called polychronic, meaning lots of things happening at the same time. Polychronic folks usually do several things at once, or experience time as an event, not a measurement of numbers. For example, the Japanese tea ceremony does not count how long one boils the water, whisks the tea powder or admires the bowl. It is very deliberately executed, then enjoyed.

This again, isn't just a national phenomenon, it can be occupational. We all know that lawyers charge by the minute, but have you heard of an artist saying that? It is also thought to be a more feminine trait.

Polychronic people tend to be less rushed, more concerned with building the relationship, experiencing the situation. They also tend to be focused on the present, not thinking about what's happening later. Polychronic people tend to feel that rushing through a situation is rude, disrespectful, and almost child-like. Only children run around demanding that they be noticed first - now! One must learn to be patient and take things as they come. Does this ring any bells?

Living with the Difference

So, I have learned that I live in a very monochronic country, and for business and some social events, I need to be on time in order to maintain a good relationship and to function professionally. However, I have found that despite my up-bringing, I tend to be polychronic. I have several projects going on all at the same time (they often appear like they've been left un-done), and I don't really mind it when people are late - I'm happy they showed up!

All the clicking and chiming and clanking clocks don't bother me so much any more. I've decided not to take it personally.

The Importance of Rituals

2009-01-30T03:37:00.000-08:00

Not A Routine. Not A Habit

I have a lovely little book by Michael Davis called, "Rituals". It is a treasure trove full of ideas about why we have rituals, and it clearly explains the difference between a routine, a tradition and a ritual.

A routine is something we do without thinking. Like brushing our teeth in morning, or pouring a cup of coffee before we answer emails.

A tradition is a ritual that has been transferred from generation to generation. Like making certain cookies at Christmas time, or spending summers at the beach.

Rituals are a way of defining what is meaningful and important. Ok, granted - brushing your teeth is important, but the value of a ritual comes from "its ability to connect you to a larger context that clarifies your relationship to yourself, others and your place in the universe."

I have found that rituals have a way of marking important passages of time. Birthdays are a favorite ritual of mine and a very significant marker of time. Rituals also help with closing one chapter of life and the beginning of something new.

Rituals are vital in the process of change.

It is easy to get lost in the middle part of transformation, where one thing has ended and we are waiting for the new beginning.

Celebrate & Mourn : Demarcate

I've recently experienced two very important rituals in my life, both very different events and both equally important for me and others to go through.

Loss

In August of last year I attended the memorial service of my father.

I listened - with my mother, two sisters, daughter, and many friends - to kind words of a strange minister, generous words from a family friend, bird song - while the photo of my father as a young man in uniform smiled back at us. I cried, although I tried not to. The first part of the ritual.

I jumped when they fired the guns - all three times. It was shocking. The second part of the ritual.

Then I walked over to where the urn would be buried, marked with a simple white wooden cross (which is what they use in a military cemetery). And I looked up at the amazing view of the mountains and trees in the back drop of Alaska. It was so beautiful and it made me feel calm. The third part of the ritual.

Birth

Now, this isn't the kind of birth you are thinking of perhaps. No trips to the hospital, no blood. However, there was anxiety, fear, butterflies, tears, and excitement. There was also a waiting period. A little more than a year after selling my house, car, closing all of my bank accounts, credit cards, and insurance policies and closing my business - after moving to Germany - I celebrated the birth of my new company.

Yup, I threw a party complete with fun food, music, videos, processo, speeches and games. I needed to mark this beginning. To thank everyone who had helped me get to this point, to acknowledge I was at the start of something new. I needed to do it for my own recognition and I needed to do it to make this company concrete.

I needed to make a mark in time, because then I'd have something to look back on. Something to remind myself - look, see how far you've come!

How do you mark time? What are your rituals?

If you find yourself saying, "Um, I can't think of any." or "I don't have any - I don't have time for that." then you are like many -- a casualty of the modern world.

Getting Rituals Back Into Your Life

First, you must recognize that there is a significant or meaningful event in your life. What is significant? You decide - it is as simple as that.

Second, gather materials with meaning to you and that represent the event. A candle, music, a rock, a picture, a scent.

Third, find a quite place, or gather people around you and prepare to say something, whether it is to yourself or to the crowd. Talk about the past, the present, your hope for the future. Touch on an emotion - gratitude, anticipation, anxiety, joy.

Invite others to share their hopes, joy for you. Or simply be quiet and listen to the wind in the trees. Be present.

In the end, mark the closing of the event with a sound (a chime, clinking of glasses, song), light a candle, blow one out - do whatever signifies a closing in your mind. It may be a closing of a chapter of your life, or the beginning of something new - like mine.

So- what are YOUR rituals?

Welcome - Come On In

2009-01-16T04:36:00.000-08:00

The first thing I try to remember to do when I lead a workshop or make a presentation is to thank people for coming. It's so important, because I wouldn't be there if they weren't curious enough to show up.

So, thank you for showing up. For being curious.

The first step is the hardest, they say, and if you've taken that step and you're here reading what I have to say, again - thank you. If you are here by accident, thank you for being here too. I don't believe in accidents.

What I do believe in is Change, Transformation, Learning. They are dynamic concepts that don't happen in a bubble. They happen through interaction and communication. Exchange. I hope this blog can be a place for me to not only think "out loud", but to also hear your thoughts.

The beautiful photo above was taken by a good friend of mine. It reminded me that LIFE has many layers and those layers are often manifested in beautiful patterns. Some patterns are created by nature and some we create ourselves (like the leaves above). Some patterns are helpful and lead us to success, others are destructive and hinder our growth.

Since I'm all for transformation, which could also be interpreted as growth, I'm also all about creating good patterns. Part of this blog will be about those patterns. And cultivating personal and professional change.

Here's to laying that first leaf, taking that first step. Together.