Success - What the heck is it (and how can I get it?)

Has anyone asked you lately, "Are you successful?"  

I don't get that question from others very often. But it's a question that replays all the time in the back of my mind.  It's usually a whisper, "I want to be successful" is what I hear myself saying.  But what does that really mean? 

Do I mean, steady clients, healthy income, happy family, good physical health, having loyal friends? Is it one thing or all of those things? When I began to look more closely, I realized that until I can really target what I understand as success, I can't really achieve it.

Make "Success" Concrete

Have you ever tried to walk through a room full of junk in the dark because the light was out or you were just too lazy to turn it on?  Or in too much of a hurry?  I do it all the time.  And although I usually get where I am going, it takes me more time.  If I am looking for something - that's a whole 'nother matter.

How can you find something if you don't turn the light on?  You might eventually find it, but most likely at some point you'll have to find some light. 

It's the same with "success".  How can you be successful if you don't focus on exactly what it is that you want? Is it to be influencial in your community or to have well adjusted children? But - what if it's all of the above?!  Do you have to chose one or can you have it all?

You can have it all

I'm a big believer that if you discover what it is that you want - the thing that you are passionate about - then "success" will follow, along with everything else. Call me an optimist, or a dreamer, but in the end I believe it is up to you.

It's all about what YOU think.

Or more importantly, what you THINK.

Our minds are very powerful.  They can help us or hold us back. But ultimately, we are the experts on US. We know what we really want, but often we get good at hiding those things from ourselves.  We are afraid we'll appear selfish or self-centered. (That's one story we tell ourselves.) The answers are in there (in YOU) never-the-less.

Go on a treasure hunt

Try this:  pull together images from magazines that make you smile, or objects that make you feel whole or happy. 

If you chose images, put them together in a collage. Then step back and take a look. What do you see?  Lots of people?  Lots of buildings?  Lots of animals? What kinds of colors are predominate? Those are clues from your subconscious. Pay attention.  Ask yourself what might these observations mean? Write it down, get those answers out on a piece of paper - make your thoughts concrete.

If you chose objects, do you notice a theme?  Are they from your childhood?  Are they sport or outdoor related? Again, clues from your subconscious - telling you that these are the things that give you power and energy.  What might happen if you got to work with them every day?! 

Do you see where I'm going?

Here is something else you might have heard before - the key to finding "success" is perhaps not in asking "how", or in asking "what" - but in even thinking about it at all. The whole process of making those hopes and desires actual might just be the ticket.

"Success doesn't come to you…you go to it." Marva Collins



In the end perhaps it really is - the journey and NOT the destination.

Find a FAN - Become Someone Else's

The other day a good friend wrote to me, "I'm such a fan." She wasn't talking about a new movie or the object you unfold and wave back and forth to cool off.

She was talking about me - about my ideas.

Wow. I have a fan. What a rush! I felt so good when I read that. It made me feel supported, valued - important.

It also gave me a lot of energy. I felt so empowered to go do more of the same stuff she was "a fan" of. And it has made me realize how important it is to have someone in one's life who is enthusiastic and loyal.  

Ok, I'm sure there are those thinking, "I don't need someone else to validate me - I don't care what others think of me." If you are one of those blessed self-contained and confident individuals I have other advice for you:

Go be someone else's fan.

Yup. Go find someone else's work that you admire and TELL them. Tell them how much joy, insight, or whatever-other-great- emotion it gives you. Then you will not only be increasing their energy to do great work, but putting good karma out there in these otherwise scary times. Well, so I'm not 100% sure about the karma, but I do know that when people hear positive things about their work or share it with others - EVERYONE benefits in the end.

And I'm not the only one who thinks so. Tom Rath and Donald Clifton (Gallup Chairman) wrote a great book about all this too - "How Full is Your Bucket? Positive Strategies for Work and Life"  They use the metaphor of filling up a bucket. 

Bucket or fan - the metaphor doesn't really  matter. Just look at all the shows full of people screaming that "THEY HAVE TALENT". YouTube is full of people looking for fans. 

But you don't have to go on the Internet to find someone worthy. Look around you - at your friends, neighbors, co-workers (or family members!) and I bet you'll find someone worthy of your admiration.  

And you just might find that someone else is YOUR fan.  Trust me - it's a great feeling.

Living Backwards

A new client said to me the other day, “I don’t want to always have to go where I’ve already been. I don’t want to live backwards."   Those last two words really caught my attention.

“What do you mean by that?” I asked her.

She explained, “I want to create my life here, build something here – a home, a life. I don’t want to go backwards to stuff I know, just to be comfortable.”

This struck me as something very profound and very brave. As we explored this idea more, we discovered that she didn’t mean you should get rid of traditions or not go to places where you feel at home. It had more to do with exploring the present.

She was in a new place. Not just a new city, but a new professional cross-roads. What was the city she lived in all about? What kind of job should she be pursuing in this new place? It was more about living in the present and not always reminiscing about the past or thinking about the future. It is important to be able to shift between these different planes of thinking and being, but it is easy to get stuck.

Change can be hard: emotionally, mentally, physically.


Getting Stuck in a Rut

One way we often cope is by trying to control the amount of change we have to deal with on a day-to-day basis. We keep the same routines -- drink the same kind of coffee, keep the same hairstyle. We look for the familiar in the unfamiliar, basketball courts in Taipei instead of tea houses, for example.

However, this is one place we can get stuck. Once we find these familiar things, we can get caught in making things like they used to be. Before CHANGE happened everything was clear, simple – just right. It’s great I can just recreate it again, isn’t it?!

That’s what we call a bubble. It feels safe and protective, but it also keeps you from growing and developing new skills and insights. Perhaps this is what my client meant about “living backwards”.

Coping with Change

We can stay in our safe bubble. Or we can choose to grow - to take risks - to transform. Change is scary. It can be stressful. Change can feel like you are caught in a fast moving tide, and you are not sure where it’s going. You can’t see around the next turn, although you try to plan for it. It can be exciting, exhausting or - both.

One way to cope with change is to recognize it, and observe it. Pretend it is a tide you are in.  I like to imagine that instead of swimming against the current or surfing the waves that rush ahead, I am just floating. Gently rolling up and down with the tide, saving my energy for the big push to shore.



Which shore? I’ll know it when I see it – and so will you.

The Power of Using Images

I just returned from participating and presenting at the SIETAR USA (The International Society for Intercultural Education, Training, and Research - now you know why they use an acronym) 2009 Conference, in Cary, NC. 

VisualsSpeak: Using Images to Build Bridges

I felt really fortunate that the proposal committee was able to get my submission in, because I love this tool so much. The power of using images, once people play with them, speaks for itself. And not just any images, because there are a lot of people already using images from magazines, or postcards. The images in the VisualsSpeak (from here on out I will refer to the tool as: VS), were designed to evoke deep emotional response.

How it Works - in a nutshell

Brain research shows that the right side of the brain is linked to circular, intuitive, visual thinking - which is what we access when we use images. Adding words to describing the images then links in the left side of the brain, which is the literal, logical, linear part. Right + Left = you end up using the WHOLE BRAIN. That tends to make people really remember and begin to integrate learning.



Yup, they go deep, which is what we intended.

From 4,000 images, we narrowed it down to several hundred "types" of images, and then the photo shooting began. We looked for images that represented many universal truths, if you believe in such a thing. We looked for images that weren't simply representations of one thing. (And when I say "we" I'm really talking about Christine Martell and Tom Tiernan, the two owners of VS and about 6 of us who helped do some beta testing.)

Take this image - one of my favorites - for example.



What does it say to you? (I bet each person has a slightly different answer.)

My Session

My goal at the conference was to introduce VS to more people, to give them another tool that I think is fun and innovative.  I only had 90 minutes, but we managed to do an ice breaker (chose one image) and a collage activity. Everyone had 5 minutes to chose images around one of two questions:

1. What are my goals for the SIETAR USA 2009 Conference?

2. Who am I as a culture being?

The questions are the key to using the tool.  They provide the framework and help people focus and grab on to specific metaphors. (Remember, Right + Left =  Whole Brain.)

  

As you can see from the photos of the collages, it is important to have a non-patterned surface to work with, or a neutral background, otherwise the its hard to focus on the actual collage.

The carpeting in the room was especially problematic!

Other Sessions

Funny enough - I wasn't the only one using VS at the conference.



Marlo Goldstein of Adelante Services used it in her session called "(More than) Two sides to every story", looking at conflict management approaches and activities. Here's what Marlo says about VS:

"VisualsSpeak never fails to first captivate people with the beautiful and intriguing imagery. Then, they are immediately engaged in conversations that seem to go right to the heart of the matter. They find that the images really facilitate their own storytelling as well as their understanding of others. It is a great tool for my work in Conflict Management because it provides an 'in the moment' exercise around differing perspectives (which in real life can cause conflict) and conversations to build understanding across those differences."

Riikka Salonnen of Oregon Health and Science University also used it in her session: Food for Thought - Diversity, Inclusion, and Intercultural Development at OHSU. We used it to create a collage about creating excellent multicultural customer service - a topic I am keen to introduce in Germany.

Right + Left = What it's All About

Using images is certainly not the only way to access deep metaphors, or to connect cognitive learning to changing behavior - but in every situation that I've used VS, whether its with an individual client, a team, or across various cultures - it gets at significant issues in a fun and low risk way. People become attached to their images, and they become attached to the ideas that emerge from them.

If you're interested in how this visual cognitive thing works, try reading:

1. Visual Language: Global communication for the 21st century by R.E. Horn (1999)

2. Creative Brain by Ned Herrman

And if you are in Germany, I'll be presenting it again at the Sprachen & Beruf (Languages & Business) Conference in Düsseldorf, June 16th.

(Yup, this is me - busy pollinating those ideas - ones I hope will bloom into something beautiful!)

Why Getting Lost is Good For You

It’s not hard to get lost. Just go to a new city, park at the airport lot and forget your ticket,

…or step into a new situation.

Take note: There is a difference between being lost, and getting lost.

BEING lost is something that happens TO you, a state that you find yourself in. You can be lost in a good book, or confused with what to do next in a difficult situation.

GETTING lost is a more active state, something you participate in and engage with. Sometimes you choose it, and sometimes you don’t.

What does getting lost do? (Besides scare the spit out of you.) It gives you an opportunity to explore and discover not only a new place, but perhaps a new skill or a new insight too.

Every new environment or situation invites a chance to GET lost. Don’t BE lost, which in a sense is a way of giving up too soon. No one wants to be lost, but it takes courage to get lost.

Try it.

Go explore a new route to a familiar place. Choose a new place to do your grocery shopping. For those truly brave souls (or someone with lots of time on their hands) flip a coin, heads – you go left, tails – you go right, and see where chance takes you.



The physical sensations are what we tend to notice first when we are lost. Heart rate goes up, palms sweat, mouth or throat is dry, and something itches that you can’t reach. It’s ok, don’t panic.

Take a moment and breathe in deep.

What about your awareness of your surroundings? That should increase too. The buildings are all five stories or lower and I can’t see any mountains. There are a lot of white cars in the parking lot. People kiss each other on the cheek in greeting and shake hands.

It’s a good start, keep going.

It’s what you need to tell yourself each time you get lost. It takes a lot of energy to take everything in, to scan high and low for details that might help you find your way. The flight or fight instinct kicks in and actually helps us take in more details than if we “knew” where we were going. (Ever drive to a familiar place with your mind full of thoughts and then when you arrive wonder, “how did I get here?!”)

Life is a journey and although the destination is important, wouldn’t it be more enriching and enjoyable if we actually noticed where we were going and, perhaps more importantly, how we were choosing to get there?



We are all busy with too much to do and too little time to do it. Getting lost is not necessarily efficient use of this precious commodity. However, it may be the best way to hone skills we can use to get things done.

Make a choice to pay attention.

Practice getting lost – choose to engage in exploration and newness.

Observe your surroundings, the people you work closely with, your own body’s messages. Then the whole process of making your way through Life could be more like getting lost, than being lost.

Working with Power - an Integration of Feminine Strength!

I grew up with role models like the “Bionic Woman”, “Wonder Woman” and “Charlie’s Angles.” Strong, powerful women, who were still feminine. They had great hair, dressed well, were physically fit (ok, so the bionic woman had an unnatural advantage), and used their brains in tough situations.

It’s no wonder that when I heard about Working with Power and their tool, the 12 Elements of Power, I was hooked. Finally, here was a way of re-defining my feminine energies into strong tools for work and life. It’s a concept that once I heard it made me say, “duh!” It’s like looking at snowflakes and then realizing together they can turn into something very powerful. Glaciers move slow, but they shape the land underneath them, moving house-sized boulders and depositing them into fields where nothing else exists for miles.



The 12 Elements have that kind of power, only on a human scale.

Like most good solutions, it draws on the strengths already present in a person, and requires that you pay attention to both sides of an equation. The 12 Elements of Power framework encourages integration, balance, and incremental change.

Yup – it requires work. No magic pill, no recipe with dos and don’ts.

The development of self-awareness and then practice, practice, practice.

The two creators of this way of working (of thinking!), Sara Harvey Yao and Michele Lisenbury Christensen, developed this tool because as professional women they felt there had to be another way to work in which they could stay passionate, strong, and focused on their work, yet enjoy their families too. They realized that they were at their most effective when they integrated their feminine approaches, like asking for help or nurturing someone, with the more masculine, like taking control and providing solutions.

Their motto is “Working with Power: It’s easier” for a reason.

Well, maybe it’s not easy in the beginning, as no learning process truly is. However, in the long run, which is the WHOLE point, it is easier and more lasting, to work in a way that balances your strengths.

It’s an idea whose time has come. And I am spreading the word.

If you’ll be in the Durham, North Carolina area, near the Arrowhead Inn on Sunday, April 5th, then treat yourself to an experience. I will be offering a workshop with my twin sister (Getting curious? That’s the idea!), where we will introduce the 12 Elements of Power as one of our many tools and give you a chance to practice.

I can’t guarantee you’ll leave with the ability to move huge boulders or leap tall buildings with a single bound, but I can promise you’ll experience something mind-opening, re-energizing, and joyful.

To find out more go to www.theintentionalway.com to find out more and register.

But you better hurry – we only have room for 15 special women!

Clocks: Time: Expectations: Culture

I live in a house with 27 clocks.

More than half of them are running. Only 4 of them display the correct time. None of those reflect the same time, except by the hour.

Having all of these clocks was not my idea, but moving here was. So, I adjust. But it has caused me to ponder a few things. First, why would someone want all these clocks, they can't possibly need them. Second, what does that say about how we value time, or our perception of it?



The Perception of Time is Culturally Based

Yes, that's right, how we perceive the passing of minutes and hours, how we feel about time, is deeply rooted in culture. I'm talking about deep culture, not the arts. I'm talking about the way we live and experience reality, not brain research.

There are lots and lots of studies out there about this topic, but a good place to start understanding it is with Edward T. Hall's, "The Silent Language." Easy to read and full of great concrete examples and stories, Hall does a brilliant job of showing how cultural values influence our perception of time.

Monochronic versus Polychronic

Those of us who live and work in the modern, western, industrial, North American or European parts of world most likely were raised to perceive time in a monochronic way. You should do one thing at a time. Time is measured scientifically and experienced in minutes, hours, seconds, years...etc. We tend to be future oriented and use phrases like, "Time is money." or "Time is running out." It is not just a national cultural view point. Business is usually run this way. It is often seen as a more masculine trait as well.

Being on time, meaning - arriving at a location (whether it is a meeting point, or a project date) at an exact agreed upon time, is highly valued and those who are not able to get there "on time" (or even better - early), are seen as unreliable, not trustworthy, lazy, or not too bright. Or, some might go so far as saying, the person who is late just doesn't care. Any of this sound familiar?



However, people living in the southern hemisphere, South America, Southern European countries, or in several countries in Asia experience time in a very different way. It's called polychronic, meaning lots of things happening at the same time. Polychronic folks usually do several things at once, or experience time as an event, not a measurement of numbers. For example, the Japanese tea ceremony does not count how long one boils the water, whisks the tea powder or admires the bowl. It is very deliberately executed, then enjoyed. 

This again, isn't just a national phenomenon, it can be occupational. We all know that lawyers charge by the minute, but have you heard of an artist saying that? It is also thought to be a more feminine trait.

Polychronic people tend to be less rushed, more concerned with building the relationship, experiencing the situation. They also tend to be focused on the present, not thinking about what's happening later. Polychronic people tend to feel that rushing through a situation is rude, disrespectful, and almost child-like. Only children run around demanding that they be noticed first - now! One must learn to be patient and take things as they come. Does this ring any bells?

Living with the Difference

So, I have learned that I live in a very monochronic country, and for business and some social events, I need to be on time in order to maintain a good relationship and to function professionally. However, I have found that despite my up-bringing, I tend to be polychronic. I have several projects going on all at the same time (they often appear like they've been left un-done), and I don't really mind it when people are late - I'm happy they showed up!

All the clicking and chiming and clanking clocks don't bother me so much any more. I've decided not to take it personally.