Connecting Through Difference is A lot Like Doing Your Laundry

As I am a stranger in a strange land (an American in Germany), I tend to meet a lot of others like me. I don't seek them out, we find each other. Like a good book.

Or it could be that my line of work (transition coaching) brings them to me.

I work with folks who are unsure how to be successful in this new place. They don't know the unwritten rules, and are either afraid of making mistakes or have already made some and are frustrated with the results.

After I get done explaining where the reactions come from and what drives the behavior, I try to make suggestions on how to cope and adapt to this new adventure. Sometimes I hear the refrain, "I just can't change who I am so that they like me!"

No, no, you most certainly don't. Be true to who you are, but try to close the gap by behaving in a way that will get you what you want. Smile, learn the language (especially the pleases and thank yous), and learn to laugh at yourself.

For some, that last one is a TALL order.

And change is hard. But we strangers, are actually the guests, so it is up to us to put forth a large share of the effort to get along here.

A wise woman once said to me,

"Do not try to change who you are, just open the door and invite others to join you."

STEP 1:

First, it is important to know who you are. What is important to you? What is special about you? Appreciate your uniqueness. Own your gifts.

Now I bet you are wondering, "Ok, I know all that, but what door is she talking about?!"

STEP 2:

That door would be your mind - your heart. When you become open in your mind, you judge less, you are less fearful, and more curious. A smile is a great way to open a door.

In Germany, making direct eye contact with a smile is another way to open a door. Though you may have to do it consistently for a month before you break through someone's rough exterior, your reward may be incredible warmth and loyalty for life!

STEP 3:

Ok, you've figured out who you are, you can manage a smile, so how do you get past that barrier that is set up by difference? Their fear of you, or your fear of THEM?

Be curious. Ask questions. Cultivate a desire to know, understand, and engage with the unknown. The unknown could be a person, a place, an event. It could be a verb or a noun.

Take courage. You do not have to change, and neither do they. You just have to find a place you are both comfortable. Repeat steps 1 through 3.

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.

I’m Alive - Da*%!$-it!

I grew up in a place that reminded me regularly that I was a small part of a very gigantic picture. When the earth moves underneath your feet and takes everything attached with it (floors, cabinets, large trees) you feel powerless.

First it scares the crap out of you. Then you have a rushing sense of deep and overflowing gratitude. I’m alive!

(Manu Mohan)

I imagine it is the same with a flood, tornado, hurricane, volcanic eruption or any other major natural disaster. Any time nature exhibits its power, we are reminded of our status as guest, not host.

Funny how I never truly appreciated having to struggle with nature until now. Since living in Munich, where there seem to be very few struggles with nature (I won’t count the infrequent hailstorms or fruit flies) - I've been missing something.

At first it was a kind of lull - then complacency. Things are just dull.

There is no physical reminder to dislodge old (bad) habits, hard old shells that cover my brain and affect how I think. Nothing to wipe away ruts that I get stuck in. Nothing that forces me to feel alive!

Sad to think I have to be forced to do that. It is too easy to get stuck in the Mundane and Mediocre.

(saiuri)

The other thing that natural disasters seem to do is bring people together. I remember a forest fire behind our house two years ago. There were helicopters dumping water from the nearby pond, and neighbors all around came out to look.

Bikers stopped to look and I got to meet neighbors that I had been living next to for more than a year – and had never seen before. There was concern for the folks living next to the forest and a few of us helped them spray their roof and move furniture. Luckily it came to nothing, and I have not seen some of those people since.

For a moment there was a feeling of caring, coming together, connection. People felt necessary, lucky.

Perhaps that is the biggest reminder – not to take things for granted. And as much as I dislike hearing about the struggles or those who survive a natural disaster, I do envy their wake-up call.

Jumping Fences

I was recently walking in the rain through a park with a friend. I forget what we were talking about, probably just unloading, and she said something that stuck with me.

‘I hate it when others chose my boundaries.’

I asked her what she meant and she explained that she did not like it when her husband, or anyone else, told her what the standard shoulds and shouldn’ts are and how they Must Be Maintained.

(Pedro Rama)

It was not that she did not believe in a total lack of boundaries or rules, but there seemed to be so many rules that had Served Their Purpose and were still being held on to, for no apparent reason.

We agreed that when we get to choose which boundaries we maintain there is a greater sense of focus and power. When society decides, based on tradition or obligation, our energy gets sapped and our attitude heads south too.

We get angry, resentful, frustrated. Am I hitting anyone’s “YES!” button?

Surprisingly enough, a lot of this rule following (and I am not talking about things set up to keep us safe, like stopping at red, or not stealing), is self-imposed.

(cubillas)

We often set up fences based on an assumption that THAT is what we are supposed to be doing. I am of working age, I have my degree in marketing, that is what I am supposed to do the rest of my life. Or, I am the eldest, it is my job to be taking care of my aging parents. Or, I am the mom and wife, I should be getting all the laundry done and feeding the dog because no one else will do it if I don’t.

But you see, there is always a choice. There is always a way to redefine something.

The marketing degree, for example. So what if you wake up one day and realize you did it because that’s what made your parents happy? Ask yourself what makes you happy. Is it the people part, the research part, or the creative problem solving part? Those can be found in LOTS of other careers.

And if you are the eldest, all that means is you should continue to have the power and intelligence to convince younger siblings to contribute to your parents’ care. Either with money, or time, or other ideas.

Ultimately, if you are a working mother and have a partner or children over 6 years of age, you have plenty of helpers. Feeding the dog is a shared responsibility and getting the laundry done can be a community effort. (Clean underwear is a powerful motivator.)

Any of this ring a bell? Do you have any boundaries that make you balk? Fences that need to be jumped over? Take a good look, I bet you’ll discover some that no longer serve a purpose, and need to be readjusted.

Realizing you have choices often does that.

Jump - First Photo!

Here's the first of what I hope will be several submissions!

Doesn't it want to make you jump too?

Come on people... let's see you JUMP for joy!

It shouldn't be just for children...

Jump for Joy!

Yup. Literally. I want everyone to show me their BEST jump for joy. I want you to feeeeel it.

Believe it. Be it.

Ball up your fists. Bend your elbows into your gut as you bend down to spring. Then push up so hard that you jump up and explode!

Or, you could try running and jumping for joy.

Why?

Oh, that's a good question.

Well, let's think of some rationally good reasons:

1. It will get your blood flowing and make your cheeks pink which will make you look healthy.
2. It will warm up cold hands and feet.
3. It will make you laugh which increases the secretion of the hormone endorphins, which will help you stay healthy.

Now for some irrational reasons:

1. Because we can.
2. Because it's fun.
3. Because it's not sitting like a lump in a chair.

That's enough of the reasons. Back to jumping for joy.

I hit upon this because I was looking for a photo of me for something and found this:

It is one of many that friends who came to visit me where crazy enough to do with my daughter. To this day, when I look at that photo I laugh. I glow. It makes me so happy.

And frankly, I don't think there is enough of that going around.

If you're feeling brave, send me a photo of your jump for joy. It could inspire someone else...

Leave a Trail

Ever heard of "desire lines"?

They aren't found on your face - or any where else on your body.

They are the paths that cross a wide lawn or snake behind a large building. They are the paths that lead us to where we want to go without following the prescribed concrete path.

They are created by a need - a desire - to get somewhere faster, which often means not following the path laid out for you.

(Photo by Claire Gaillard)

Paths in Life

Have you ever looked up from your life and thought (not necessarily for the better) "What am I doing here?!"

Senario 1: You went to school, got degrees, built a life - and then - you wake up.

Senario 2: You flounder, wander, float, do a little of this and a little of that...and you end up - really - nowhere.

Actually, I imagine there are many senarios, many different paths, to the ultimate question. W.A.I.D.H. Often replaced or followed by, "What was I thinking?!"

In my experience as a coach, people end up coming to me when they realize that they don't want to walk on the sidewalk anymore. They are looking longingly at those little jagged paths that are behind the benches, among the trees, venturing into wide open spaces...

(See the path on the faaaar left of this photo? Desire line!)

It takes a lot of courage to step off the safe path, to not follow the prescription for happiness and success. Of course, this is readily described in hundreds of 'self-help' books in a variety of languages.

But no (good) coach will give you a prescription to happiness, because the real path is the one you discover on your own.

But what if - what if - we stop a moment and really look at where we want to go. Create our own idea of what success and happiness is by looking at our own passions and truths.

It can be hard not to just follow along all the easy trails laid out for us. Look, they're clean, safe, direct (sort of), orderly, sure. If we follow these paths they will get us to a place for certain.

But what about the journey? New discoveries? New Adventures? Curiosity?

Explorers

We don't all need to rush out and find a new route to the north pole, or discover a new way to make toast. But what if we stepped off the path every now and then? What would we find?

A mud puddle? A dead end? A dark hole? It's possible.

An insight? An epiphany? A brilliant idea? It's possible.

That's just it - it's all possible!

But only if you step off the prescribed path every now and then. Get your heart rate up, heighten your senses.

In fact, why don't we leave trails for others to follow?!

Go ahead, step off the path. I dare you.

You might be surprised that someone is standing right next to you.

Saying Good-bye, Saying Hello-Oh!

I can't believe it is the last day of June. I have to say good bye to (what should have been) the first month of summer (but really wasn't until 3 days ago).

I also had to say good bye to a good friend. We met 3 years ago when I first moved to Germany. It amazes me to think that we have known each other for only 3 short years. It feels like a lot longer.

Saying good bye is a standard exercise when you are involved with expats or are one yourself.

It's hard. Every. Single. Time.

Some people get used to it. In fact, they get good at it.

Like taking pills. Or getting a shot. Or eating spinach.

Saying good bye is part of connecting with someone. Eventually, at some point in the interaction you have to part. (Siamese twins don't count.)

The parting can be the hours you are asleep, the days until the next coffee, or the weeks, months, or years until you meet again.

Some good byes are permanent, others are temporary. Some are easily managed and others are heart wrenching.

(Photo by Maja Lampe)

But good byes are important, just like taking your vitamins, getting vaccinated - and eating your spinach.

I realized this as I hugged my friend and said, "It's not good bye, because I'll see you soon."

Coping Mechanisms

Yup, you guessed it - saying I'd see her soon did not mean I had secretly planned a trip to the States. It was my emotional/mental way of coping with the idea that I couldn't pick up the phone and ask her directions.

It worked for about 30 seconds. When we hugged I burst into tears. Which is another coping mechanism. A very healthy one, in fact.

Crying is a great release. A release of toxins in your body, stress, and it makes you take a breath when you feel like you are suffocating from sadness.

Another great coping mechanism for long good byes is to plan. Yup, actually set a date when you will talk or write or see each other. This is where social media is great. Facebook is helping thousands (millions!) of people to cope with good byes.

(Photo by Stephen Eastop)

Rituals

Good byes are not only for people, but when you leave a place. Moving house or changing your job or country of residence are all part of 'leaving'. This is a kind of good bye that people often forget about, but it is just as significant.

Having closure, being able to mentally and emotionally separate from a place can almost be harder than with a person. I can see my old friends and talk to them on the telephone, but I don't have such easy access to the rose garden in Portland or the Cook Inlet of Alaska.

The only way I have figured out to cope with this kind of good bye is with a ritual. Visiting a place 'one last time' and saying good bye, taking a photo of it at that particular moment, is one way. Others have told me they had a party and really got crazy (interpret freely here).

And others lit a candle, said thank you to the place, to its spirit, and took a deep breath. Done.

(Photo by Dipu Das)

Room for Hello-OH!

With all the sadness I have felt in saying good bye to yet another friend, I had an amazing realization too. My friend has not left my circle, she has just gotten in her car and driven out of the parking lot.

Which leaves me with an open spot. Not one I will actively try to fill. But now there's space.

An opening to be filled by... a new friend, perhaps.

Take a look at your good byes and see if you can find instead of emptiness - an opening.

An invitation, perhaps, to someone, something, some place. Full of potential. Full of surprise.

On the other side of good bye - is always hello.