Let's Play!

When was the last time you played?

No, seriously. When was the last time you did something just to do it - no goals, nothing to check off your to do list, and no winning or losing?

The importance of playing - just doing something for the pleasure of it (some call it goofing around), came up several times in my workshop last week. One person said how LIFE was like a game and the rules could change in the middle, so it was important not to take it too seriously but to have fun and PLAY with it. Another said that she was taking a course and needed to go home and do her "home play" because it wasn't work - she enjoyed it too much. I thought that was BRILLIANT.

And it reminded me how important playing is when you feel stuck and unmotivated. We adults, we've been so well trained not to do something unless we see "the point". Or find an activity useful. Kids - they are the skilled play-ers. They are professionals at picking up something - a toy, a rock, a sock - and playing.

Yes, it is actually healthy to PLAY. It is an open, spontaneous, non-linear way to explore. It increases all those good chemicals in our bodies, like serotonin, that help us be positive, productive, problem-solvers.

Of course, some people can take it too far and use PLAY as an excuse not to do what they need to do, like make the bed - or make decisions. But I'm not talking to those people (they know who they are). I'm talking to those who are feeling tired, stuck, stretched too far.

My suggestion: start playing now. The sun of summer should help (or if you are in the southern hemisphere the cooler winter temperatures). Stretch those creative muscles. Chart new paths in your brain. Get those neural synapses firing. Do something without a list. Join your kids on the playground. Make a sand castle. Build a house for faeries in your backyard. Do the thing that you don't HAVE to do, but the thing that has no "point".

Afterwards, you may discover you're:

• relaxed

• focused

• content

You might even benefit from a bright idea.

Schedule yourself some regular PLAY time. Make a habit of it.

(And for those who really want the academic psychological take on the value of PLAY, there's a great article at: www.psychologytoday.com.)

Sitting with Curiosity (Not sitting curiously!)

Now what does that mean?! We all tend to sit strangely sometimes, looking for that comfortable spot for a sore heel, or relief for the kink in our back. But that’s not what I mean.

To be open to newness – even if it’s something old and familiar sitting in front of us – isn’t easy. Not many of us sit with curiosity, not unless we have to. It can be like going to a foreign movie with no subtitles and having to watch their body language and the scenery to figure out what’s happening. Being observant and non-judgmental isn’t easy.

It takes practice.

But it is important to practice sitting with curiosity. Just as with other skills, like speaking another language, dancing the tango, or problem solving – if you don’t practice you forget how and then have to take time to learn it over again.

So what’s the point?

You might be surprised with what comes up when you step out of judgment and into curiosity. For example, is there someone that raises your hackles/rubs you the wrong way? Sit with it and ask yourself ‘why do they bother me?’ Come up with as many answers (heck, at least three) for why a behavior or physical trait sends you off the deep end.

Take a few deep breaths.

Your first few attempts might be tainted by frustration, but if you can go further, you may discover it has nothing to do with that person, but with you, your own personal values and perceptions. As these are deeply unconscious they can be difficult to observe in ourselves, until they come up against something different.

The ability to let go of having the answer or instant understanding of a person or situation actually allows you to more fully explore. This leads to more solutions, better solutions, to life’s challenges. It also makes life easier. It makes working with others easier.

So, what’s the point, really?

It suddenly makes things less personal and more universal.  No one is perfect. It’s no one’s fault.

There doesn’t have to be an answer for everything. Sometimes, things just are the way they are, and we recognize it and adapt. Or not. But we remain open to new discoveries and insights.

Try sitting with curiosity. You may be surprised to see something enlightening come sit with you.

Success - What the heck is it (and how can I get it?)

Has anyone asked you lately, "Are you successful?"  

I don't get that question from others very often. But it's a question that replays all the time in the back of my mind.  It's usually a whisper, "I want to be successful" is what I hear myself saying.  But what does that really mean? 

Do I mean, steady clients, healthy income, happy family, good physical health, having loyal friends? Is it one thing or all of those things? When I began to look more closely, I realized that until I can really target what I understand as success, I can't really achieve it.

Make "Success" Concrete

Have you ever tried to walk through a room full of junk in the dark because the light was out or you were just too lazy to turn it on?  Or in too much of a hurry?  I do it all the time.  And although I usually get where I am going, it takes me more time.  If I am looking for something - that's a whole 'nother matter.

How can you find something if you don't turn the light on?  You might eventually find it, but most likely at some point you'll have to find some light. 

It's the same with "success".  How can you be successful if you don't focus on exactly what it is that you want? Is it to be influencial in your community or to have well adjusted children? But - what if it's all of the above?!  Do you have to chose one or can you have it all?

You can have it all

I'm a big believer that if you discover what it is that you want - the thing that you are passionate about - then "success" will follow, along with everything else. Call me an optimist, or a dreamer, but in the end I believe it is up to you.

It's all about what YOU think.

Or more importantly, what you THINK.

Our minds are very powerful.  They can help us or hold us back. But ultimately, we are the experts on US. We know what we really want, but often we get good at hiding those things from ourselves.  We are afraid we'll appear selfish or self-centered. (That's one story we tell ourselves.) The answers are in there (in YOU) never-the-less.

Go on a treasure hunt

Try this:  pull together images from magazines that make you smile, or objects that make you feel whole or happy. 

If you chose images, put them together in a collage. Then step back and take a look. What do you see?  Lots of people?  Lots of buildings?  Lots of animals? What kinds of colors are predominate? Those are clues from your subconscious. Pay attention.  Ask yourself what might these observations mean? Write it down, get those answers out on a piece of paper - make your thoughts concrete.

If you chose objects, do you notice a theme?  Are they from your childhood?  Are they sport or outdoor related? Again, clues from your subconscious - telling you that these are the things that give you power and energy.  What might happen if you got to work with them every day?! 

Do you see where I'm going?

Here is something else you might have heard before - the key to finding "success" is perhaps not in asking "how", or in asking "what" - but in even thinking about it at all. The whole process of making those hopes and desires actual might just be the ticket.

"Success doesn't come to you…you go to it." Marva Collins



In the end perhaps it really is - the journey and NOT the destination.

Find a FAN - Become Someone Else's

The other day a good friend wrote to me, "I'm such a fan." She wasn't talking about a new movie or the object you unfold and wave back and forth to cool off.

She was talking about me - about my ideas.

Wow. I have a fan. What a rush! I felt so good when I read that. It made me feel supported, valued - important.

It also gave me a lot of energy. I felt so empowered to go do more of the same stuff she was "a fan" of. And it has made me realize how important it is to have someone in one's life who is enthusiastic and loyal.  

Ok, I'm sure there are those thinking, "I don't need someone else to validate me - I don't care what others think of me." If you are one of those blessed self-contained and confident individuals I have other advice for you:

Go be someone else's fan.

Yup. Go find someone else's work that you admire and TELL them. Tell them how much joy, insight, or whatever-other-great- emotion it gives you. Then you will not only be increasing their energy to do great work, but putting good karma out there in these otherwise scary times. Well, so I'm not 100% sure about the karma, but I do know that when people hear positive things about their work or share it with others - EVERYONE benefits in the end.

And I'm not the only one who thinks so. Tom Rath and Donald Clifton (Gallup Chairman) wrote a great book about all this too - "How Full is Your Bucket? Positive Strategies for Work and Life"  They use the metaphor of filling up a bucket. 

Bucket or fan - the metaphor doesn't really  matter. Just look at all the shows full of people screaming that "THEY HAVE TALENT". YouTube is full of people looking for fans. 

But you don't have to go on the Internet to find someone worthy. Look around you - at your friends, neighbors, co-workers (or family members!) and I bet you'll find someone worthy of your admiration.  

And you just might find that someone else is YOUR fan.  Trust me - it's a great feeling.

Living Backwards

A new client said to me the other day, “I don’t want to always have to go where I’ve already been. I don’t want to live backwards."   Those last two words really caught my attention.

“What do you mean by that?” I asked her.

She explained, “I want to create my life here, build something here – a home, a life. I don’t want to go backwards to stuff I know, just to be comfortable.”

This struck me as something very profound and very brave. As we explored this idea more, we discovered that she didn’t mean you should get rid of traditions or not go to places where you feel at home. It had more to do with exploring the present.

She was in a new place. Not just a new city, but a new professional cross-roads. What was the city she lived in all about? What kind of job should she be pursuing in this new place? It was more about living in the present and not always reminiscing about the past or thinking about the future. It is important to be able to shift between these different planes of thinking and being, but it is easy to get stuck.

Change can be hard: emotionally, mentally, physically.


Getting Stuck in a Rut

One way we often cope is by trying to control the amount of change we have to deal with on a day-to-day basis. We keep the same routines -- drink the same kind of coffee, keep the same hairstyle. We look for the familiar in the unfamiliar, basketball courts in Taipei instead of tea houses, for example.

However, this is one place we can get stuck. Once we find these familiar things, we can get caught in making things like they used to be. Before CHANGE happened everything was clear, simple – just right. It’s great I can just recreate it again, isn’t it?!

That’s what we call a bubble. It feels safe and protective, but it also keeps you from growing and developing new skills and insights. Perhaps this is what my client meant about “living backwards”.

Coping with Change

We can stay in our safe bubble. Or we can choose to grow - to take risks - to transform. Change is scary. It can be stressful. Change can feel like you are caught in a fast moving tide, and you are not sure where it’s going. You can’t see around the next turn, although you try to plan for it. It can be exciting, exhausting or - both.

One way to cope with change is to recognize it, and observe it. Pretend it is a tide you are in.  I like to imagine that instead of swimming against the current or surfing the waves that rush ahead, I am just floating. Gently rolling up and down with the tide, saving my energy for the big push to shore.



Which shore? I’ll know it when I see it – and so will you.

The Power of Using Images

I just returned from participating and presenting at the SIETAR USA (The International Society for Intercultural Education, Training, and Research - now you know why they use an acronym) 2009 Conference, in Cary, NC. 

VisualsSpeak: Using Images to Build Bridges

I felt really fortunate that the proposal committee was able to get my submission in, because I love this tool so much. The power of using images, once people play with them, speaks for itself. And not just any images, because there are a lot of people already using images from magazines, or postcards. The images in the VisualsSpeak (from here on out I will refer to the tool as: VS), were designed to evoke deep emotional response.

How it Works - in a nutshell

Brain research shows that the right side of the brain is linked to circular, intuitive, visual thinking - which is what we access when we use images. Adding words to describing the images then links in the left side of the brain, which is the literal, logical, linear part. Right + Left = you end up using the WHOLE BRAIN. That tends to make people really remember and begin to integrate learning.



Yup, they go deep, which is what we intended.

From 4,000 images, we narrowed it down to several hundred "types" of images, and then the photo shooting began. We looked for images that represented many universal truths, if you believe in such a thing. We looked for images that weren't simply representations of one thing. (And when I say "we" I'm really talking about Christine Martell and Tom Tiernan, the two owners of VS and about 6 of us who helped do some beta testing.)

Take this image - one of my favorites - for example.



What does it say to you? (I bet each person has a slightly different answer.)

My Session

My goal at the conference was to introduce VS to more people, to give them another tool that I think is fun and innovative.  I only had 90 minutes, but we managed to do an ice breaker (chose one image) and a collage activity. Everyone had 5 minutes to chose images around one of two questions:

1. What are my goals for the SIETAR USA 2009 Conference?

2. Who am I as a culture being?

The questions are the key to using the tool.  They provide the framework and help people focus and grab on to specific metaphors. (Remember, Right + Left =  Whole Brain.)

  

As you can see from the photos of the collages, it is important to have a non-patterned surface to work with, or a neutral background, otherwise the its hard to focus on the actual collage.

The carpeting in the room was especially problematic!

Other Sessions

Funny enough - I wasn't the only one using VS at the conference.



Marlo Goldstein of Adelante Services used it in her session called "(More than) Two sides to every story", looking at conflict management approaches and activities. Here's what Marlo says about VS:

"VisualsSpeak never fails to first captivate people with the beautiful and intriguing imagery. Then, they are immediately engaged in conversations that seem to go right to the heart of the matter. They find that the images really facilitate their own storytelling as well as their understanding of others. It is a great tool for my work in Conflict Management because it provides an 'in the moment' exercise around differing perspectives (which in real life can cause conflict) and conversations to build understanding across those differences."

Riikka Salonnen of Oregon Health and Science University also used it in her session: Food for Thought - Diversity, Inclusion, and Intercultural Development at OHSU. We used it to create a collage about creating excellent multicultural customer service - a topic I am keen to introduce in Germany.

Right + Left = What it's All About

Using images is certainly not the only way to access deep metaphors, or to connect cognitive learning to changing behavior - but in every situation that I've used VS, whether its with an individual client, a team, or across various cultures - it gets at significant issues in a fun and low risk way. People become attached to their images, and they become attached to the ideas that emerge from them.

If you're interested in how this visual cognitive thing works, try reading:

1. Visual Language: Global communication for the 21st century by R.E. Horn (1999)

2. Creative Brain by Ned Herrman

And if you are in Germany, I'll be presenting it again at the Sprachen & Beruf (Languages & Business) Conference in Düsseldorf, June 16th.

(Yup, this is me - busy pollinating those ideas - ones I hope will bloom into something beautiful!)

Why Getting Lost is Good For You

It’s not hard to get lost. Just go to a new city, park at the airport lot and forget your ticket,

…or step into a new situation.

Take note: There is a difference between being lost, and getting lost.

BEING lost is something that happens TO you, a state that you find yourself in. You can be lost in a good book, or confused with what to do next in a difficult situation.

GETTING lost is a more active state, something you participate in and engage with. Sometimes you choose it, and sometimes you don’t.

What does getting lost do? (Besides scare the spit out of you.) It gives you an opportunity to explore and discover not only a new place, but perhaps a new skill or a new insight too.

Every new environment or situation invites a chance to GET lost. Don’t BE lost, which in a sense is a way of giving up too soon. No one wants to be lost, but it takes courage to get lost.

Try it.

Go explore a new route to a familiar place. Choose a new place to do your grocery shopping. For those truly brave souls (or someone with lots of time on their hands) flip a coin, heads – you go left, tails – you go right, and see where chance takes you.



The physical sensations are what we tend to notice first when we are lost. Heart rate goes up, palms sweat, mouth or throat is dry, and something itches that you can’t reach. It’s ok, don’t panic.

Take a moment and breathe in deep.

What about your awareness of your surroundings? That should increase too. The buildings are all five stories or lower and I can’t see any mountains. There are a lot of white cars in the parking lot. People kiss each other on the cheek in greeting and shake hands.

It’s a good start, keep going.

It’s what you need to tell yourself each time you get lost. It takes a lot of energy to take everything in, to scan high and low for details that might help you find your way. The flight or fight instinct kicks in and actually helps us take in more details than if we “knew” where we were going. (Ever drive to a familiar place with your mind full of thoughts and then when you arrive wonder, “how did I get here?!”)

Life is a journey and although the destination is important, wouldn’t it be more enriching and enjoyable if we actually noticed where we were going and, perhaps more importantly, how we were choosing to get there?



We are all busy with too much to do and too little time to do it. Getting lost is not necessarily efficient use of this precious commodity. However, it may be the best way to hone skills we can use to get things done.

Make a choice to pay attention.

Practice getting lost – choose to engage in exploration and newness.

Observe your surroundings, the people you work closely with, your own body’s messages. Then the whole process of making your way through Life could be more like getting lost, than being lost.