Connecting Through Difference is A lot Like Doing Your Laundry

As I am a stranger in a strange land (an American in Germany), I tend to meet a lot of others like me. I don't seek them out, we find each other. Like a good book.

Or it could be that my line of work (transition coaching) brings them to me.

I work with folks who are unsure how to be successful in this new place. They don't know the unwritten rules, and are either afraid of making mistakes or have already made some and are frustrated with the results.

After I get done explaining where the reactions come from and what drives the behavior, I try to make suggestions on how to cope and adapt to this new adventure. Sometimes I hear the refrain, "I just can't change who I am so that they like me!"

No, no, you most certainly don't. Be true to who you are, but try to close the gap by behaving in a way that will get you what you want. Smile, learn the language (especially the pleases and thank yous), and learn to laugh at yourself.

For some, that last one is a TALL order.

And change is hard. But we strangers, are actually the guests, so it is up to us to put forth a large share of the effort to get along here.

A wise woman once said to me,

"Do not try to change who you are, just open the door and invite others to join you."

STEP 1:

First, it is important to know who you are. What is important to you? What is special about you? Appreciate your uniqueness. Own your gifts.

Now I bet you are wondering, "Ok, I know all that, but what door is she talking about?!"

STEP 2:

That door would be your mind - your heart. When you become open in your mind, you judge less, you are less fearful, and more curious. A smile is a great way to open a door.

In Germany, making direct eye contact with a smile is another way to open a door. Though you may have to do it consistently for a month before you break through someone's rough exterior, your reward may be incredible warmth and loyalty for life!

STEP 3:

Ok, you've figured out who you are, you can manage a smile, so how do you get past that barrier that is set up by difference? Their fear of you, or your fear of THEM?

Be curious. Ask questions. Cultivate a desire to know, understand, and engage with the unknown. The unknown could be a person, a place, an event. It could be a verb or a noun.

Take courage. You do not have to change, and neither do they. You just have to find a place you are both comfortable. Repeat steps 1 through 3.

Wash. Rinse. Repeat.