DAY 19: Measure With a Magic Yardstick

I know it is a wacky title, but I couldn't help it. This section is where Patti brings out another 'i' word - Intimacy.

What's so great is that it starts with loving yourself. About not measuring yourself with how big your house is, how well your kids do in school, how much money you make. It is about loving yourself for what you are - not what you have.

The action: For 5 minutes write a description of yourself. Stop and cross it out. For another 3 minutes answer the same question without using anything from the first description. Read, repeat for another 3 minutes.

Did it get harder? Did you notice anything change about your description? I sure did!

The first 5 minutes was surface stuff. How I looked and a bit about my interests. The second free write was more about my personality and values. The last one was a mixture of big ideas that wouldn't help you find me in a crowded cafe, but it might help you decide if you wanted me as a coach.

It got down - deep down - into my values. Really important (sometimes very unconscious) issues and ideas that mattered in my life. The idea here is to find the things that matter to you so that you can set more realistic goals for yourself.

Thus the challenge: Write a list of 10 goals you have. For each one ask yourself what's behind it? At the end of the 37 days revisit the list. Are they still the goals you want? Recommit to the ones you still do and revise the others.

Learn to measure yourself against a magic yardstick, one that sings, "Just a spoon full of sugar helps the medicine go down..." and then you'll realize it was in your own power to do in the first place.

Day 18: Jump Into the River - Chance Being Great

Be Great - not just good enough.

You are good. You are beautiful. You are smart. Give yourself permission.

These are the words that stuck with me for this challenge. The story (there's always a story) centered around how life is a fast moving river. Jump in, give into it, see where it takes you. Don't be worried about how others are seeing you - judging you. It's your river, it knows what you should be doing with your life.

The action: Write for 5 minutes to answer the question "When do you feel like an imposter? What do you fear people will find out about you?" Do the hot spot check and write for another five minutes on that topic.

Results: This was easy. Every time someone gives me a compliment, especially about how calm or organized I am, I try very hard to smile and say 'thank you' while in my head I am cringing and thinking, 'It's all a facade! Soon enough you will discover I am flailing, making mistakes, making it up as I go along!!'

And if I am making it up as I go along I must be a fraud. I am suppose to be a trainer, a coach. Shouldn't I have all the answers?!

Luckily, I realized that I don't have to have all the answers. I just have to be curious and willing to take a risk. It doesn't do me or others any good if I play small, mediocre, just ok. It doesn't serve the world.

I need to give myself permission to shine. To do what I am pretty sure in my gut is my purpose in life. That thought is incredibly empowering. The same goes for you too.

The challenge: Ask yourself "Am I becoming someone I respect?" for the next 37 days, every day at lunch. If you say no, you have the rest of the day to turn the answer around. As Patti writes, "This daily questioning is how change really occurs in our lives. Use it to become someone you respect, lunch by lunch."

And as a side note, there is an incredible resource at TED.com. I found an amazing piece on the rhythm in life there.

DAY 17: Break Your Own Rules

This was such a great practice for today. In this chapter, Patti focused on getting people to see which rules they hold to even though they don't make sense. What happens if you break them? Have dessert first, then salad. Sit in a different seat at the dinner table. What happens?

The only way to discover imbedded patterns that don't actually help us in life, we have to do things differently. Then we begin to see things differently.

The action: Write for 5 minutes and list all the sayings you've grown up with. List as many as you can come up with. Don't censor yourself - write them all down. Go through and circle ones you actually live by (might be a deeply held value) and underline the ones that aren't necessary or real.

The result: I could only come up with 16 or so sayings and many of them were gender based or health related. I think I have broken all of them at least once, except buying a dented can.

The challenge: For the next 37 days use your list to notice and then break your rules. Start by taking a new route to work. Have tea instead of coffee for breakfast. If you always take the same seat in church or school (or sit next to the same person), chose a different seat.

How does it make you feel? Make note of how you feel. Stop and question the rule, yours or others, to understand the deeply rooted value. Or is it borne of habit?

Insight: This I find fascinating. We just started switching our places at the dinner table. It has a great affect on our family dynamics. We don't seem so stuck in a position or attitude and the conversation or insights we share seem more conscious.

Can you guess why I chose the jellyfish picture??

DAY 16: A Right Foot and a Wrong Foot

Wow, I just learned something last night, before even encountering today. I AM on autopilot.

I got so into writing the blog and finding photos for it that I missed a skype date with my sister, a very important travel companion in my life. She asked, "What will it take for you to show up?" I began to wonder if that is a question that pertains to my whole life sometimes. So, my first lesson in focusing on the present was to reschedule my sister-date and get to bed.

Today's challenge...

Today, after a heavy snow, I am sitting with the idea of two rights. Not one right and one left, one black and the other white. Not - I'm right and you're wrong. Perhaps if we try, we can co-exist with the other "right" foot. It seems important to have one of each - a right and a left. My perspective (my reality) - and someone else's.

I often think that it would be an awfully boring world if we all agreed.

So does Patti. The action today: Write for 6 minutes on - How does it feel to be wrong about something? Then - think of a recent argument you've had. Write for 4 minutes framing the other person's perspective as right.

My learning: Actually, this is something I do a lot - I am a natural at empathizing with others. I try very hard to see things from another person's perspective. I get frustrated when they don't see mine. When I can't get them to see that maybe I am right too. Not them or me, but perhaps both of us. But then I realized it is just another form of trying to convince someone that you are right.

I began to wonder how it would be to argue with someone who has a different perspective, but goes a long. Let's there be a right foot and a left foot. Wouldn't that be an amazing dance? And THAT got me to think of having different perspectives and opinions as exactly that - a dance. Without the difference how could we really dance?

I assume that we wouldn't, thus the phrase, "I have two left feet" when it comes to describing one's ability to dance. It just doesn't work. You have to have the complement - the other.

The challenge: Write a list of ten everyday, common kitchen tools. For the next 37 days, chose one of these tools each morning. Come up with five alternative uses for that tool each time. Stretch your imagination! Ask others to help you. They may see possibilities you don't!

Result: I grabbed a rubber band - first thing at hand. Here's my list:
- string them together to create a bottle holder
- use to keep my sleeves up while I wash the dishes
- use many together to make a ball and use as a toy
- use it for target practice on annoying spiders in inconvenient places
- make it into a handle to carry splintery piece of wood

One last thought. The photo of this star fish also helped me see that having more than two perspectives can be even better. Starfish are beautiful, strong, unique. They don't have a right foot or a wrong foot. They have five or more!

Perhaps THIS is evolution!

DAY 15: Don't Start "Here" - Start THERE

This chapter is titled "Roll on the Floor" in the book, which was about several groups of people competing to win the ownership (custody) of a dog (Rocky) from a shelter. The ultimate realization was that Rocky learned best from 3 goofy guys who got down on the ground and rolled around with him. They enjoyed him for who he was, went where he was - not where they wanted him to be.

The lesson is a great one for when we get frustrated with someone who isn't "getting it" - whatever we are trying to teach them or convince them of. Slow down, try giving them directions from where they are - not where you are.

The action: Focused free-write (have a writing callous like mine yet? We could compare...) for 6 minutes pretend you are writing an instruction manuel for someone who has no idea what it is like to get up in the morning. Describe every detail from opening your eyes, to rolling over to shut off the alarm - until you walk out the door (or consider yourself 'up').

Read it. Would it be possible for someone to do exactly what you do, to follow it, or are you still taking your individual actions for granted?

For the last 4 minutes answer: In what ways am I on autopilot in my life?

This one was pretty easy - or so I thought. But then I looked really closely. I realized that they couldn't do exactly what I do unless they lived in the same house. And since they don't (and most likely never will), I have to write it in a way that they could do what I am doing where THEY are. Then it hit. I get it. Clear, concise, concrete - like an IKEA instruction booklet.

THEN I get to draw pictures for even more clarity. (I am a big believer in visuals - thus so many images!)

The real learning is that I am on autopilot in a lot of ways. I try not to be. I try to pay attention, but I am so trained to multi-task, get lots done, many things simultaneously. It is admired in western culture. I can't hel- waaaaait a minute. That's a choice. And I get to make them.

Isn't that what I figured out yesterday?! Hey, I am catching on to this stuff! How about you?

The challenge: What we do every day is based on a pattern we no longer recognize. For the next 37 days, focus on the patterns in your life.

The challenge in the book is very detailed, but the one that struck me most was "listen intently for the rhythm for the next 37 days". It reminded me of a scene from one of my all-time favorite movies, August Rush. (Follow the link to see the clip of what I am talking about.)

After you watch it, I'll give you a dollar if you can swear that you did not have the urge to go outside and find patterns right then and there!

DAY 14: It's All About Choices - Oh, and Self-Worth

Sorry this was delayed - technical problems (like sleep). But it will be worth it.

Today was about recognizing what your "red books" - the knowledge that you have, the thing that you cherish that you would not part with unless you knew it was going to be honored and appreciated as much as you do - are.

For me, that's anything on understanding difference, creating curiosity, and being open to change. My knowledge on dealing across difference and managing transition is something that I give away only to people who really want it and appreciate it. I don't shove it down peoples' throats or throw it at every problem as the solution.

The action: (really, really loved this...) for 6 minutes do a focused free-write on "If your work were the answer to a question, what would that question be?" Read it when you are done. Then circle a hot spot, write on that word for 4 minutes. What does it reveal about that thing for which you have the most passion, the thing that you would most protect and cherish? How can you make it so?

This is a brilliant coaching exercise - one that I will certainly use in the future. I hope to hear from everyone who is reading this blog at least one sentence on what thrills them!

My question was of course along the lines of living in a way that I not only reach my fullest potential but connect and co-create with all the other potential out there. How can I be most alive and true and aware?

Life comes down to choices, ones that are incremental and ultimately shape our lives. There is a beautiful quote by Annie Dillard that says it perfectly:

How we live our days is, of course, how we spend our lives.

The challenge: So, Patti suggests that we keep a catalog of all the choices we make every day.

Coffee or tea? Drive or bus? Truth or white lie? (Think Annie Dillard here.) Then review you record, which ones caused you to pause? Do they tap into something meaningful to you?

Did you make choices based on what others expected of you? Safety over risk?

Examine your patterns. What did you learn about how you make choices?

If you haven't read "The Alchemist" by Paulo Coelho, then I highly recommend it. It is about many things. One of them - choices.

DAY 13: Save Someone Else's Face

Integrity - the next in line of the 'i' words in Patti's list. And something very powerful.

The stories in this chapter were about saving face, about making sure that the help you gave was something that didn't make you bigger or better, but the receiver was helped - without having to reciprocate.

This idea is integral to living and thriving in Asia, but did you realize how important it is everywhere else? Protecting another person's identity is not an uncommon practice. In fact, it is key to integrity.

Today's action was about connecting to shame and the effect it has. What?! Don't get it. Read on.

Action: Take 6 minutes to write about a time when you were publicly shamed. The physical feelings, where you felt it in your body. Then circle the hot spot, the word that stands out, and write about that for 3 more minutes.

I had no trouble remembering a very shameful and embarrasing moment. It happened about 6 years ago and I was with two people who were relative strangers to me. They did something very powerful and graceful by not making a big deal out of what happened. They stood by me and we laughed about it.

Before we laughed I felt so small, so weak and powerless. It was frustrating. I felt like crying. But their "no big deal" attitude saved me. Could happen to anyone. THAT was re-empowering. It brought my dignity back.

And because they did it for me, and I recognized it, I watch for a chance to do it for someone else. I am more aware of its power.

So, the challenge (in general): To look for a person or an opportunity to be an angel. Put money into someone's meter that is about to expire. If someone makes a faux pas, ignore it rather than call attention to it. There are so many ways to help another person if you are intentionally looking for them. Can you help without being noticed or wanting praise for it?



Try being a stealth angel.